Disclaimer: That photo has absolutely nothing to do with this shit show of a story. They’re just my favorites and the whole reason I haven’t yet sold everything I own and moved to the middle of nowhere and bought a bunch of goats and baby cows.

If you want to feel better about yourself, keep reading. It is August. In case you weren’t aware. August is an expensive month for me. Real estate taxes are due. Insurance premiums are due. I remember this because the amount of money I pay out every August makes me wanna hurl. I own 3 homes. (And yes, if you were wondering, I am kind of a big deal, people do know me and my apartment does smell of rich mahogany). So again, the ol’ bank account of one JonesBoysMama takes a big ass hit this month.

I got the tax bills right on time. But I’ve just been waiting and waiting and waiting for the insurance bills, wondering if I’ve lost my mind, did I have the month wrong? Is it BOGO for insurance in 2023 since rarely ever do we make claims so really insurance companies are getting richer and richer and we’re getting poorer and poorer? This morning I decide I should really reach out to my insurance agent and see if I’m crazy, losing my mind, dumb and/or a combination of all 3. So I do just that. Big girl grown up shit right there. (If you know me, you know I suffer from some pretty major social anxiety and reaching out to insurance agents can really put me in a tail spin even though I’ve known my agent for years and adore her to pieces – my brain: it’s a fucked up place).

So, she looks into it, bless her, and finds the cancellation notice on my primary homes’ policy from September of 2022. 2022 y’all. My house is out here just raw dogging the elements in a COME AT ME BRO type of confidence that we just cannot afford. Almost an entire year. No insurance. Just tempting fate, taunting Mother Nature and giving a giant fuck you to The Man. Totally unintentional. Just me, being dumb as fuck, trying to cross my i’s and dot my t’s. And fucking it all the fuck up.

The good news, I was correct, everything is due this month. The bad news, apparently I was sent an invoice for the other houses the beginning of the month but couldn’t tell you if I got it or not (well, I can tell you that I did not see it). It would appear I am no longer a candidate for paperless billing. But I paid them up today, my tenants are safe.

The even more bad news, the underwriters or whoever the fuck is in charge of writing the policy on my primary home will not reinstate my policy due to me being a giant fucking piece of shit. Those weren’t their words verbatim but I’m summarizing. But, worry not, some other company will insure me for a few hundred dollars more. I guess I just saved a year’s worth of insurance premiums though so really who’s coming out on top now? It’s definitely not fucking me.

My life is a mess. Most of it because of me. If you need me today, I’ll be maniacally crying and laughing in a dark corner somewhere. Muahahahawaawaawaa…