Apparently, 17 years ago today I got engaged (and if you’re trying to do the maths, I’ll save you the trouble, yes, 6 months and 22 days later, I gave birth to a bouncing baby boy, well he wasn’t so much bouncing as not breathing, but eventually, after a nurse beat the shit out of him, that problem was rectified and eventually, bounce he did. Hell, he’s bounced so much he doesn’t even live in the same state as me). And I only know this, because, obviously, I posted it on Facebook (did it really happen if it wasn’t posted) and that memory popped up this morning. We’ve been over this, but I’m not so good with the remembering of dates and events and even showing up for dinner at my parents house when they’ve invited me and I’ve accepted said invitation. My brain, it is not so good.

Anyway, 17 years ago today I said yes to forever (or until death do we part, whichever happens first – we know how this story ends). And according to my Facebook post, I was very excited based on the amount of exclamation points I used. I was 26 years old (I had to break out the calculator to figure that out, just FYI), and I had no idea what it meant to be married. I’m guilty of being quite the romantic, with big notions in my head about what it would be like, all the amazing things that would happen. With time, and heartbreak, I’ve gotten somewhat more grounded but that young woman was living all up in the clouds, imagining the perfection that would be her life. I know, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. But I was young, naive and in love with the idea of forever.

We got 10 years. And neither Ash or I were all that fun to be married to. We took turns being assholes. We took turns being the one to say we’re done. Marriage was nowhere near the dream I thought it would be. Add children, and it was pretty disastrous, me with my grand notions of a perfect man and family and him with his grand notions of I’m the man, I can do what I want. I’m putting words in his mouth, but that was my perception of him, especially for the first few years of marriage. Ultimately, though, we loved each other something fierce and never gave up.

I can’t help but wonder what our lives would be like today had he not had to get the cancer and die. I imagine, hell I fucking know, it wouldn’t be what it is now. Our oldest would not be living his dreams in baseball boarding school (heavy on the baseball, very light on the education). Their relationship, I shamefully admit, was not a great one. Ash and I were raised very differently, together we were very much like oil and water and very unfortunately, our oldest took the brunt of that. We tried, we really did, him in his way, me in my way, but our ways were so much different that it wasn’t the beautiful picture of family bliss I had in my head. Again, I was young and very naive. And stubborn. Ash, too, was young and stubborn. And we were both selfish. We got better with Colt. More compromise. More wisdom. More patience. But we didn’t get long. Just when we were starting to get a grip on life, our lives, as we knew it, ended. And then, Ash’s life ended. Forever.

The life I’ve created without Ash is somewhat unconventional. I let Jack live his dreams, not because I think this approach is better or this program will get him where he wants to be, but because this is what makes him happy, this is what he needs to feel his own sense of normalcy. No one knows who he is. No one knows what he’s been through. No one has expectations of perfection. He’s just Jack, trying hard, learning far more than I could teach him and becoming a man. As for Colt, we’ve got a really good thing going. It’s no secret, I was not the greatest mother to him for a long time, much like I wasn’t the greatest wife to Ash. Colt and Ash are identical in personality, so far different from my own. And it took time for me to learn how to accept it, how to embrace it, how to cherish it. But we have found our rhythm, he is his own person, so authentically him and it is awe inspiring.

I’m not sure what my point is here. I really veered off the beaten path. Story of my life actually. But I know this – without feeling pain, you’d never know when you felt joy. The life I’ve created without Ash is not what I would have pictured. But nothing in life is. I’m grateful I said yes 17 years ago. It may not have been happily ever after, but there’s no such thing.