Someone told me that just the other day – “awkward is your beauty”. And my response was “umm thanks?” because I wasn’t quite sure if it was a compliment or not. I am also shit at receiving compliments. (Example: someone also recently told me I had beautiful eyes and my response to that was “thanks, they still work, I can see perfectly” – see? Shit at accepting said compliment and made said compliment and accepting of said compliment awkward as fuck!) But the more I thought about awkward being my beauty, the more I accepted it and dare I say even fell in love with it. It might be the best compliment I have ever received.

That girl on the left up there is 17 year old me. And while she looks happy and confident and ready to take on the world, she was anything but. I struggled hard core as a young girl. I didn’t like myself. I lacked confidence and self awareness. Which is not unlike any 17 year old anywhere I imagine. I was not a good friend to myself, let alone anyone else. I constantly berated and put myself down. I believed the image I had created in my head. The image that I was worthless, that I had nothing to offer anyone, that I was unkind, unintelligent and unskinny. And I acted out in the same way that anyone with low self esteem does – let people take advantage of me, made poor choices to seem cool, drank too much. I went to college completely confused about what the hell I was supposed to be doing (apparently it wasn’t just partying), majored in something I didn’t give a shit about, graduated and went about the business of adulting (such a trap!!). And the whole time, I still didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. I still hadn’t accepted me.

And then I met Ash. Falling for him was easy. He made me laugh constantly. He made me see life and the world differently. He helped me to think about accepting who I am while also pushing me to become more. If that even makes sense. Ash was one of those people who was never satisfied. His thirst for life was palpable. Which makes sense since he only got 37 years (but at the time it seemed rather overwhelming and pretty annoying). But he was always pushing to do more, live more, dream more and if we’re honest, eat more. (If you knew him, you knew his near obsessive love for food and the impressive amount he could take in!) And he pushed me to do the same (well, not the eating part). Although, let’s be real here, I was a timid little mouse constantly terrified that everything would go wrong. But still, Ash was the catalyst that helped me on my journey of self-acceptance and self-love.

What really pushed me over the edge though, in this journey of self-discovery, was his death. Which is tragic, awkward and ultimately, a little bit beautiful. It’s taken me years to figure this out about myself, but I was quite co-dependent, not necessarily to an extremely unhealthy level but more than I should have been. Growing up, I was dependent on my family. Hell, I was still having my dad order my food in a restaurant when I was in my 20s because I was too afraid to talk to the server. (insert eye roll here). And then I got married, and I relied on Ash to get me through, well, everything. He took over the ordering of my food and making the big decisions and controlling just about everything in our lives. Until he got sick. And then everything changed. I had to change.

And so, in the new year, because this is what we do when a new year strikes, I wanted to remind myself what a bad ass, funny, awkwardly beautiful person I am. And I encourage all of you to do the same. Life is hard and we are never going to make it out alive. So remind yourself of how amazing you truly are.

For me, in 2022, I’m going to continue being inappropriately hilarious, I’m going to continue laughing loudly and constantly, I’m going to continue being weird and awkward and saying all the wrong things and sometimes the right things, I’m going to continue making fun of myself and my kids and my family and my friends and everybody else on the planet, I’m going to continue being brave (mostly) and strong and I might even try a little vulnerability now and then (maybe). I’m going to continue being on the go far too often, taking all the trips and doing all the things that bring joy and peace to our world. I’m going to continue loving the hell out of my kids and yes, I’m going to continue disciplining the hell out of them, too. I’m going to continue to strive to not give a shit what anybody thinks about what we’re doing, where we’re going and why we’re doing what we’re doing and going where we’re going. I’m going to continue working out and not working out eating healthy and not eating healthy. I’m going to continue letting go of that which I cannot control. And I’m definitely going to continue loving me some me.

I strive to be a better and kinder person every day. Sometimes (a lot of times) I fall short. But I’m going to continue trying. I’m going to continue being human. I’m going to try not to suck. I am inappropriate, I am weird, I am funny, I am wild. And I accept who I am and I love who I am. Awkward is my beauty.