I’m not generally one to give advice, mainly because most of the time I don’t have a damn clue what I’m doing. But with losing your spouse perhaps comes a little insight into marriage and relationships. We all have our battles. No marriage is perfect. No relationship is perfect. I do think, though, that loving and respecting your partner is a choice. It took me a long time to learn this. Believe me, I am absolutely not an expert. I will say that my relationship with my husband went to hell and back a number of times (we separated on one occasion when we were coaching Jack’s soccer team, I believe he was 7 at the time, sure there were underlying problems but pee wee soccer is what led to said separation. Ash literally moved downstairs for a few weeks because we were both such stubborn ass holes. WTF?!). We were young, immature, stubborn and unaccepting of each other for many years of our marriage. This is fact. It took therapy, online courses and a ton of patience to get to where we eventually ended up.

I was in Target several weeks ago and rather than shop, which is what I was technically there for, I let me eyes wander and my mind drift to everyone I came across. You know what I discovered? Everyone looked miserable. There was a couple fighting over which mirror to purchase. There were young parents with small children looking like they we were ready to physically take each other out. There were older couples just looking like they were drowning in a sea of misery. Each person I observed looked more unhappy than the last. Sure, Target on a Saturday isn’t anyone’s dream day. But guess what? You’re there. With each other. Picking out that perfect mirror. Buying Grandpa new socks. Stocking up on diapers and baby food. Together.

So here’s my top 10 list on how to make a marriage work (do with it what you will! What do I really know anyway?!):

1. You’re going to take each other for granted and that’s ok but also remember to be grateful to and for each other.
2. Nobody really gives a shit about the mirror. Pick one out and move on. You can love it or you can hate it but either way, it’s just a mirror. This is true for any material possession. None of them really matter.
3. Fights are going to happen. Every day. Several times a day. In reality, no one is right and no one is wrong. We are all different. We were all raised differently and just because our opinions differ, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is wrong. It’s how you overcome your differences that is important.
4. Respect each other. Always. Your spouse is going to annoy you, you’re going to want to leave on more than one occasion and vice versa. Don’t. Stick it out. Learn each other. Accept each other.
5. Be honest. If you’re not getting something you need, tell your partner. Nobody is a mind reader. Be blunt about your wants and needs. Express your feelings, good or bad. Keeping anything bottled up inside is always a recipe for future disaster.
6. Find the funny in everything. Ash and I laughed about everything. There’s nothing we couldn’t make fun or funny, from cancer treatments and procedures to watching The Walking Dead on Sunday nights. We could always make each other laugh.
7. Choose kindness. Even in the most difficult times. If you choose to be kind, everything else will fall into place.
8. Accept each other. The best advice I ever got regarding my marriage was to either learn to accept Ash or don’t. But know that I’m not going to change him and he wasn’t going to change me. Change is a personal choice. If you cannot accept your partner the way he/she is, it will never work. I chose to accept Ash and he chose to accept me and that made all the difference.
9. Don’t lose the physical side of your relationship. Certainly life is exhausting what with all the stress of work, kids and everything else thrown our way. But one of the BEST perks of marriage is the physical. It can certainly diffuse almost any argument and makes everyone feel better in the end. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
10. Don’t forget to date each other. I know life gets busy but think back to how happy you were during those dating months/years. Don’t lose that. There’s a reason you’re together. Keep that spark alive with time just to yourselves with no distractions.

I am by no means any kind of expert on this. But when I look around and see so much blatant unhappiness showing on people’s faces I can’t help but say something. Love each other. Respect each other. Accept each other. Tell the truth. Be kind. That’s what life is all about. Did Ash and I do any of this perfectly? Nope. Did we try? Sometimes. Do I wish I would have done better? Absolutely. We got to a place of love, respect and acceptance and for that I am eternally grateful. I knew exactly how he felt about me and he knew exactly how I felt about him. And while that doesn’t help me sleep at night, because nothing does right now, it does fill me with a sense of peace. We gave it our all. We made mistakes. We grew. This life is finite. Don’t spend it being a dick to your partner. 😉