I’ve spent a lot of time looking in the mirror lately. Not out of vanity, not completely anyway. But just to check in with that woman. How has she changed? How is she the same? Physical things have obviously changed. Same blue/green/gray eyes; same white line across the nose; some acne prone skin (blah). Also some new things. Sun spots. Not too many wrinkles but definitely a few more lines; more facial hair than I care to admit; one screwed up left eye brow (actually the same since high school; thank you softball); and the latest, and my least favorite is the dark circles and bags constantly present under my eyes.

I earned those bags and dark circles. This last year was anything but easy. Cancer. Late nights. Long trips. And ultimately the untimely death of my husband, my person, my best friend. That will take a toll on your face (and your body if you happen to find comfort in food rather than starvation, dammit why couldn’t it have been starvation?!). But I feel like I’m on the right track with that. I was never thin to begin with. Always curvy, always a little soft. And I think that’s ok.

What I’m failing to see is the joy I once had, so I thought I’d write this to myself, as a little self-love, self-affirmation, self-get your head out of your ass.

1. You’re not perfect, you’re never going to be perfect and perfect doesn’t exist.
2. Forgive yourself. You will continue to fuck up all the time. It’s ok.
3. Love yourself. If you don’t, who will? Love the lines and the spots and the acne (ok, maybe not that one) and the bags and your slightly less than perfect form (yes, that’s a stretch, it’s far from perfect). You earned them. Every day you earned them. Also love the humor, the loudness, the ridiculousness that is you. You won’t be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s ok. Just be you.
4. You are enough. Your children love you. Your friends love you. Your family loves you. You are doing your best. Even when you don’t feel like it, you are doing your best.
5. Take time for yourself. It’s ok. No one needs or wants you 24/7. You will be a better mother/daughter/sister/friend if you take the time for yourself.
6. Stop judging yourself so harshly. Be a better friend to you. You are so much better than you think you are. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
7. It’s ok to cry. Let it out. Yell. Scream. Curse. Just let it out. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.
8. Try, for the love of dog, not to make the same mistakes over and over again. Learn and move on.
9. Be patient. Not everything can happen the way you want it to. There is *probably* a plan that you know nothing about but will reveal itself in time.
10. Respect yourself. Always. If you’re not respecting you, how can you expect anyone else to?
11. Say no. You have the right to say no to whomever you wish, whenever you wish. This is your life. No one can walk in your shoes. No one can live it for you. No one can feel what you feel.
12. Stay honest. With yourself. With your children. With everyone. They may not like it, but at least you can like yourself at the end of the day for being true to you.
13. Stop seeking approval from everyone. Be you and be happy. You can’t please everyone. That’s not even your job.
14. Write as much as you want, as often as you want, as long as you want, as short as you want. No one has to read it, but if it makes you feel better, if it gives you hope, if it brings you joy, sadness or anger, just do it. Who cares if anyone reads it or likes it!
15. Sing. Loudly. All the time. The best way to spread any cheer is singing loud for at least yourself to hear!
16. Remember that you will feel happy again. There are glimpses of it every day. One day the pain won’t be so strong, the memories so fresh, the feelings so raw. Soak it up, that way you really know when you’re feeling true joy again.
17. Keep covering those grays. You’re 37, cover them up!
18. This is similar to 13 but so important. Stop worrying about what anybody thinks. You do you, boo. Raise your children the way you want. Dress the way you want. Look the way you want. Feel the way you want. Again, this is your life. No one can do it for you.
19. Find the fucking tape measures. (I just threw that one in for fun!)
20. Lastly, go find some joy. Whatever it is, whatever it looks like, go find it, grab it by the balls and embrace the fuck out of it. We only get one chance at this thing called life. So fucking live it, the way you want.

I could go further. There’s so much I could tell to that woman in the mirror, but I think this is a good start. Be kind, be honest and love yourself. Everything will be ok.