Category: Hope

Lost AF

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Disclaimer: It’s very sweary up in this piece.

Building a house is not easy. At first, I was killing it. I was making decisions left and right. No problem. I know exactly what I want and where I want it. Then enter freaking light fixtures. Who knew there were so many lighting options out there? It is mind blowing. I’ve been staring at light fixtures on this computer screen for so long that they now all look like ridiculous cartoon drawings that no one should ever put in their house. I’ve been staring at them for so long and just thinking “wow, I couldn’t give 2 fucks about what the fucking lights look like in my house or on my house or around my house”. I’ve been staring at them for so long that I am now in tears questioning everything about my whole entire life.

Here’s the thing – I am not a picky person. I like to think of myself as easy going and laid back where most things, especially these kinds of things, are concerned. Aside from anything ridiculously tacky, I really couldn’t give a shit about any of the lights that are in my house. Or much else for that matter. There are some things that I absolutely do not want, such as anything with brass. Or crystals. Or brightly colored. But otherwise, don’t care. Can I get a volunteer to come pick out all the damn lights for my house? Cuz in case it wasn’t clear, I don’t fucking care.

Which brings me to my point, sort of. Someone asked me recently what I’ve been doing with my time. And I couldn’t answer the question. I had no idea. I mean, sure, I’ve been keeping my kids alive, doing the single mom thing, going to the baseball games and the practices, and the baseball treasuries thing and doing the laundries and making the meals and cleaning the toilets and getting the groceries and all the dumb ass adult shit that we dumb ass adults have to keep doing every fucking day until we die (that was dramatic). And I’ve been doing the building the house thing, well up until recently, quite well. And I’ve been doing the thing where I avoid being in my house because I hate my house because my husband (and his father) died in my house. (Hence the need to build the new house and pick out the light fixtures.) So I spend a lot time with whichever loved one will take my boys and me in for the evening because avoidance is always a very healthy choice.

But what am I doing? And the answer is, I have no fucking clue. I am lost AF, y’all. I do not know what to do with myself. Apparently, being married to Ash was my whole identity. Which makes sense. We got married, we had the kids, we did the jobs, we fell into marital bliss/marital holy-shit-I-hate-you-why-did-we-do-this (it could have been either scenario on any given day at any given moment – that’s just the nature of the beast that is marriage and if you say it’s not, I’m going to go ahead a call you a fucking liar), we ultimately opened a business together, worked together, lived together, did literally almost everything together. And then Ash had to go and get the damn cancer, and if you thought we were together a lot pre-cancer, it had nothing on our togetherness post cancer. Our roles changed, obviously. We went from happy, oblivious young(ish) business owners with their shit together(ish) to terrified people with their world literally crashing down. But, we did our best. We lived. We wept. We laughed. We kept moving forward until moving forward was no longer an option (well, for Ash, at least – I have no choice but to keep moving forward. Fucking bullshit.). But still, moving forward has me lost AF.

He’s been gone almost 18 months. And I gotta say, the first year went by in a blur, what with the grief and the learning how to do all the things alone and then the whole pandemic thing and the virtual school thing. It was a whole new horse of a whole different color (pretty sure that’s not how that saying goes). So it was hard to tell how much I didn’t know what I was doing. But now, things have gotten (I hesitate to even use this word) easier in a sense. I mean, really, when is life ever easy? Never. Easy is definitely not the word I am looking for here. But we have our routine. Things are about as normal as they are probably ever going to be for us. I now have time. And I have no fucking clue what to do with it.

I want to be a better person. I want to make a difference. I want to feel needed. And respected. And loved. And while doing the dishes and the laundries and the groceries are all necessary, they are not satisfying any of my needs to be more. To do more. My cup is wholly un-full, if you will. And I’m just not sure what to do to start filling it up again.

If I have any talents that don’t pertain to wiping asses, making jokes or bursting into tears at any given moment, I certainly can’t remember what they are. And my situation is different in that I do not have to go work some shitty job that I hate or take time away from my children or my responsibilities. I have the flexibility to be choosy, to find what will make me happy. If only I knew what that was.

For now, I will pray. I will have faith. I will smile through the pain. And I will go look at more fucking light fixtures.

The Art of Moving On (Month 8)

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Dear Jonesie:

If I’m being completely honest here, I almost totally forgot that today was the 12th of the month. In my defense, I fear my brain may be partially melted from overexposure to heat and sun this past weekend. Jack had 2 double headers in 2 days in the brutal, unrelenting heat of southeastern Virginia. Seriously, at one point I put ice cubes in my bra and felt very minimal relief. Also tried some down my back. Not much better. Also forgot to bring the stupid canopy to guard us a bit from the hotter than a billy goat with a blow torch sun so today we just kept moving further and further away from the field to seek shelter and shade in the trees. Hell, towards the end of the game, I wasn’t even watching, which you know is very unlike me. Colt was sort of a trooper. Yesterday he fell asleep for a while, woke up and cried for a while. My mama thought he might was coming down with the Covid, but, thankfully, once I took him to the car and let him sit in the A/C for a while, and eat some Star Wars fruit snacks (what can’t they cure?!), he was back to his nonstop chattering self (seriously, he’s so much like you, it’s ridiculous. It was easier with you because I could just tell you to shut up or walk away or even leave. Can’t so much do any of those things with a 5 year old). Today he handled it much better.

Our oldest boy played great yesterday. He pitched well, he did well at short stop and hit some bombs. Today, not so much. That’s the nature of our boy, though. I’ll defend him a bit and say he was nervous today, playing with a team he only knew a handful of kids on and a coach he had never met until today. Yesterday was also a long day that ended late and today started early. And, again, the heat. So, Tiger Mom here will give him a bit of a pass.

Anyway, back to my fried egg status brain, I was sitting at dinner, it was the boys, my parents and me and we’re just chatting and I randomly half shouted “SHIT, it’s the 12th of the month!!” To which Jack replied so what. To which I then reminded him (well, after counting on 2 hands)  it was the 8 month anniversary of your death. To which he replied “so what? It’s not like it’s been a year.” So, yeah, he’s still 10. Ha!

The truth is, we’ve been super busy. Baseball is in full swing so that consumes a lot of our time. And in between, we are going to the beach, pool, sound. We are sharing meals with friends. We are over using the grill and trying to avoid the stove. We are covered in mosquito bites from staying outdoors way too late. We are dancing by fire pits, we are staying at the beach until dusk, we are laughing and singing and finding joy in as many ways as possible. We are making new friends while still enjoying the old. Colt is fishing as much as he can. Jack is still all about the sports while adding a couple of new favorites – surfing and skimming (he could use some help with both but I’m not quite the person for that job). And I am loving watching them grow and change. Their wings our spreading and it won’t be long before they are ready to take flight (shit’s getting real deep now, you got any waders where you are?!). As corny as it is though, it’s also 100% fact.

As for me, I am in a good place. Sometimes I drink too much. Sometimes I smoke too many cigarettes (sorry but you know how I love a smoke sometimes). I stay up too late and wake too early, never quite getting enough sleep. But I am well. My family is amazing. My friends are incredible. I’m looking forward to the future while also completely embracing where I’m at today. (There I go getting all corny again. WTF is wrong with me?!)

I’m not sure if you want to hear this or not, but, for the most part, we are happy. We were in a dark place for a while, I’m not going to lie. But we can’t stay in that dark place. I think you’d actually be really proud of how we’ve dug our way out. It did get ugly for a while, I’m not going to sugar coat it. And I’m willing to bet my left arm there will be more ugly in the future. That’s ok. We can handle it. Right now, though, we are going to soak up all the happy, sun, friendships and love that we can. Because that is what makes our world go round.

We have found a sense of peace. Maybe it’s acceptance. Maybe we’re just too busy to think about how sad we are supposed to be. Maybe it’s a combination of a million different things. Whatever it is, we are happy and enjoying all of life as much as we can. In the words of Creepy Jonathon, it is well with our soul.

Certainly we miss you. Certainly we think and speak of you often. But those assholes were fucking right. Eventually, time heals all (most) wounds. Not to say we’re not still wounded, because we always will be, but the more time goes by, the better we get at going by with it. Because that’s how it has to be.

Love you always,

Poopsie

 

 

Life is for the Living

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If you are wondering if I just quoted Harry Potter, you would be absolutely right! I’m a nerd that way! But, like, a cool nerd!

I got a little mopey the last few weeks. I’m not going to lie. It wasn’t my best couple of weeks for many reasons. I won’t go into all of those reasons, but I’ll just say it was raining, I felt alone, I was attempting to mend a broken heart, and I just didn’t feel like doing anything. I shut out the people I love. I shut out family. I shut out friends. I shut out the world.

But also, while drowning in my own self induced misery, some really fucking awesome things happened. Jack tried out for a travel baseball team out of state and was offered a position on the spot. Ash, if he had a grave, would be rolling in it, as we always said that Jack didn’t need to play travel sports until maybe his teenage years. That was, however, before the whole world shut down including all youth sports.

Now, I’m going to justify our reason for joining the travel team just a bit (especially so Ash can hear it and stop with all the dramatic theoretic grave rolling). Firstly, I did not realize how depressed my 10 year old son was until I saw him happy again. Read that again. I did not realize how DEPRESSED MY 10 YEAR OLD SON WAS until I saw him happy again. Call me daft, call me blind, call me selfish. I could be considered all of those things. But the boys and I have been trudging along, thinking we’re doing the best we can. I took Jack to one baseball practice and he turned into an entirely different child. A child that I had not seen in quite some time. He was laughing, he was telling hilarious jokes, he was engaging in conversation with me. All things that I didn’t realize were missing until they returned. My sweet, happy child had come back. With one baseball practice that lasted no longer than 2 hours. 

Secondly, so far in his short 10 years, Jack has an aptitude, enthusiasm, love and talent for sports, especially baseball. And he has gotten to the age where we (we as in his family – me, PawPaw and Uncle G) cannot teach him anymore. He’s at the age where there’s nothing he doesn’t know, nothing he can’t do and absolutely nothing we can teach him, We’ve reached the preteen, prepubescent, pre “holy shit will mama survive this” stage of life. We can no longer help him due to excessive attitude, eye rolling and heavy sighing (lest we backhand him multiple times a day, which, I’m told, is frowned upon). So in the interest of saving all of our relationships (and potentially our lives), it’s best that he seek his baseball counsel elsewhere.

And lastly, (and I’m sorry, but this is going to sound a little braggy here, but if you can’t brag about your kids’ successes and whatnot, what can you brag about?) he deserves it. He deserves to learn from the best. He deserves to play with the best. He also deserves to work hard and earn his spot, earn his position, earn his right to be with that team, especially given that the current dream is to play Duke Baseball in 8 years. 

We didn’t say yes right away, though. I left it 100% up to him (which is very unlike me, I tend to lean a little more towards the Tiger Mom side of momming so kudos to me!!). Jack has a lazy side, and with everything we’ve been through, it would not have surprised me at all if he had chosen no. Instead, he made a list (very Ash like in nature). He made a list of the pros. He had a list of the cons. He weighed them heavily. And he said yes. So our lives are about to get a little crazier, but in the best possible way. Because we’ll be living.

I finally re-emerged with family and friends. We’ve gone to the beach, we’ve had cocktails, the boys have played (outside of course) with friends. We’ve conquered the biggest slip and slide I’ve ever seen. We’ve played our own games of baseball. Jack and I have started jogging together (much to his dismay) and doing all sorts of other training tools that are necessary for him to play on his new team. And I do every one of them with him. Because it keeps him motivated. Because he likes having a partner. Because we are living.

Colt graduated from preschool. Certainly it looked much different than years past. But it was beautiful. We were surrounded by people that absolutely adore my Mr. Tolt. He received his “degree”, he felt special, he rode around the parking lot with his head sticking out of my sunroof. And we were living.

This next part is not easy to write about but I’m going to write it anyway in the spirit of living. I think I am being flirted with by a hilarious, handsome, tall, perhaps a touch younger than me man. It’s been a long time since I’ve been flirted with so I could be getting it wrong. But, in all honesty, I do hope that I am not wrong. Because I feel like a woman again. I feel desired. I feel beautiful. I feel feminine. And these are things I have not felt in quite some time. And I like it. Because it feels like I’m living again. And life is for the living. And if nothing else, we deserve to live the shit out of whatever life we have left in us. 

 

Home

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I have never been good at making decisions. I probably never will be. It’s not that I am indecisive, when it’s important, I know what I want, but in the words of Monica Gellar, I have an uncontrollable need to please people. And that’s not the best feeling in the world because you can never, ever please everybody all at once, which then leaves you feeling jittery, anxious and actually quite down on yourself. I loathe confrontation, until it’s absolutely necessary, and then I kind of let anger take over and go too far in the other direction. I want everyone around me to be happy to the detriment of my own happiness at times. Ash was very good about helping me jump through these hurdles. He was the exact opposite of me in this regard. The only person he cared about pleasing was himself (I don’t mean that to sound as negative as it does, it’s just the truth), he did not bend to make others happy and while it may have taken him slightly longer than an eternity to make a decision, he was rather decisive when it came right down to it.

Recently, I made a huge decision that “they” (fucking them) say you’re not supposed to make within the first year after a major loss. The funny thing about this decision, for me, it wasn’t difficult. Ash and I moved into our current house because it’s what he wanted. Our prior home had 3 levels, many stairs, bedrooms on the top floor, laundry on the bottom and with his health (even before the cancer), it was too much for him. Too many stairs, too much yard, too much house, too much maintenance. Our current house is all one level and perfectly fine but has never felt like home. Add in the fact that Ash, husband, father, passed away in the living room, and I’d just assume burn it to the ground than live in it. (Don’t worry, I’m not planning to burn it down, just making sure you get the picture.) It’s never felt like “home”, we have no emotional attachment to it, the boys are so uncomfortable in it, they share a room even though they each have their own rooms, all our memories here are of our husband and father being sick and ultimately watching that sickness literally suck the life out of him. Which in a way sucked the life out of our “home”.

This past Friday, I officially purchased our new home site. It was a decision that I did not make lightly. As a hobby, I am a bit obsessed with real estate. I’m constantly watching the MLS, tracking homes, land, prices, etc. I get notices when things go under contract, when prices drop, when new listings are added. Seriously, it’s a bit of an addiction. You’d think I could make a career out of it, but then add in the part with all the people and negotiating and back and forth with all the people, and it all becomes just a little too, well, peopley for me. Anyway, I decided pretty immediately after Ash passed away that we needed to move. The boys agreed with me. I started scouring the MLS immediately. I looked at a few homes, seriously considered purchasing one but thought better of it because there were some issues that were absolutely unfixable. We live in a unique area where home prices don’t exactly match the caliber of the home. We’re in a small beach town and you pay the price for living in paradise.

Anywho, obviously, I decided building was the way to go. I found 2 lots that I loved. One of them was already cleared, already had the water line hooked up, backed up to marsh land and was really quite nice. The other is covered, and I do mean covered, in brush, trees, hills and valleys but was also beautiful and backs up to the sound. I asked for advice from what felt like thousands of people (that’s a very large exaggeration, I do not know (or like) thousands of people) but I asked many, because again, decisions and me don’t go hand and hand. I asked professionals, I asked family, I asked friends, I asked acquaintances. They all had their opinions and most of them, including the professionals,  chose the lot where the work was already done. And while I valued those opinions, my heart told me otherwise. I tend to lead with my heart. A lot. Which can be problematic, hence why all the asking opinions from other people. And it was really hard not to have my husband to talk it through with me. Although, if he were here, none of it would be happening, so there is that. Your fault, babe, as usual.

Anyway, two of our closest (and wisest) friends went with me one evening to look at both lots. They fell in love with the first one, the one that was cleared and “easy”. Then we went to the other one. They saw what I saw, they fell even harder as I had fallen even harder. We stood there, we took in the views, the serenity and the peace and I knew I had my answer. They posed the question “what would Ash do?”. And I knew right then. Ash would choose beauty, serenity, peace. He would choose the place that reminds us why we live on this tiny little beach. And then it was easy. The decision came natural. And the thing is, I always knew in my heart which one I wanted, where the boys and I should make our new home, our new life, our fresh start. But second-guessing myself, and my heart, is something I excel at.

Same thing happened with house plans. I asked all those people again. I had narrowed my search down to 2, again, knowing in my heart what I wanted, but seeking out other opinions. Which is not a bad thing. And again, the majority chose the one that I did not. The easier build, the cheaper build. But, again, I went with my heart, chose the more difficult road and can’t wait to see our dreams come to fruition.

I have a hard time trusting myself. I struggle with making decisions. I seek approval from others far too often. But what I continue to learn is that I am capable of making tough decisions, I know my own heart and my own mind, I am strong, I am smart and while I will continue to ask for guidance all the time, deep down, I know that I will make the right decision because it is my decision.

4,368 Hours

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Dear Jonesie:

We’ve made it 6 months, half of a year, 4,368 hours or 262,080 minutes without you. Take your pick on whichever way you prefer to tell time these days. I’m not sure how it works where you are. Some days have been hard. Some days have been heartbreaking. Some days have been ok. And some days have even been great. But they’ve all been different.

We just celebrated Mother’s Day. I wanted to thank you for creating these 2 beautiful lives with me. They are incredible. Which I know that you know. And I know you are watching. I know you saw them bring me breakfast in bed Sunday morning. They made scrambled eggs (if I’m honest, they were a little crunchy due to the added bonus of a few egg shells and a little, let’s say, not quite done and runny), a biscuit that was reheated in the microwave and came out more rock like than biscuit like and a bowl of freshly picked strawberries. It was nearly perfect. The only thing missing was you. And just to piss you off, I let the boys eat breakfast, in our bed, with me. So ha! They remembered, though, that all of you brought me breakfast in bed last year and they were so proud to do it on their own this year. I tell you, whatever gal (or guy) ends up with each of our boys, they are in for one hell of a good life. We did good, Jonesie. Hopefully, I can keep doing good without you.

It’s not easy, doing this life without you. I don’t know what stage of grief I’m in – I think I’ve created my own – it’s called I hate everyone and everything so please leave me alone but please don’t leave me alone. I think the closest thing to it is anger, which I think is the 2nd stage of grief. I’m pretty sure I’m not doing the stages in order, though. I’ve accepted that you’re gone, which is the final stage, but I’m reverting back to the angry stage. Maybe that’s how grief works. Maybe I’m just backwards. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. I hate how I feel. I hate how angry I’ve become (which, let’s face it, I’ve always been more on the angry side than not, and really didn’t think I had room to grow in that area.) Apparently I was wrong. I’m angry with you. I’m angry with God. I’m angry with myself. I’m angry at the unfairness of it all. And if I’m totally honest, I’m angry that people’s lives are moving on yet I’m still stuck in this pit of hostility and jealousy and more self pity than I care to admit. (Although, that statement was just an admission of said self pity so there’s that.)

I recently started reading Girl, Wash Your Face and I think it’s doing the opposite of what it’s supposed to do. I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to inspire me to become a better person. But all I’m really feeling inspired to do is break shit, kick holes in doors and be the crazy, spitfire, passionately pissed off Irish girl that only you really know me to be. Perhaps when one is grieving, one should not take on reading self help books. I’m hoping that the loss of your husband can maybe excuse the fact that you’re not quite ready to set goals and show up for yourself and all that positive self talk bull shit I’m supposed to give to make myself a better person, friend, mother, daughter, sister, etc.

Unfortunately, this anger coursing through me reared it’s ugly head at our first born the other day. We had dinner with your mom as a Mother’s Day celebration. We were sitting around, playing games, just chatting and having a nice time when I remembered your voicemail, your voice still on your phone. I imagine your mom hadn’t heard your voice since she last visited you just before you left us, and even then, it wasn’t “your” voice, the one you had most of your life. It was that of a dying man. So I thought I’d play your voicemail, the one I just recently wrote about so that she could hear you again. When I went to retrieve it, the message was gone. Deleted. No longer available. I held my tongue. I had not announced that I was searching for your voice for all of us to hear again. I asked Jack what happened to it. He claimed he didn’t know. Heat flushed my cheeks. I announced our departure, we got in the car, headed down the road and my anguish exploded. I am not proud. I accused our son of deleting it. I accused him of lying. I yelled. I sobbed. I deflated. We got home and I sent him directly to bed, so upset I didn’t know what else to do. And then I wept some more. I realized my myriad of errors. I scared our little boy. I made him feel overwhelmingly sad and guilty. And I’ve never felt more disgusted with myself. I went to his room, apologized profusely and begged his forgiveness, which he offered instantly. He also apologized, said he didn’t know or remember if he deleted it but he hadn’t meant to do it. I told him over and over again how wrong I was, how sorry I was, what I huge mistake I had made, treating him that way. I hugged him until he admitted I was squeezing him too hard. And we moved on. But I am still ashamed.

Adding fuel to the raging fire already lit inside of me, I’m going to assume you saw the unexpected, unannounced and a little bit unwelcome guests that showed up at our home the other day. They came, they offended (at least Jack and me), they praised the amazingness that is Colt, said how special he is and they left. Luckily, Jack had gone back inside while Colt’s praises were being sung. Not to take anything away from Colt, because he is amazing and his praises deserve to be sung, but so is Jack and I find it so shockingly sad (and cruel) that some people don’t see him that way. You know my theories and I will leave it at that.

It took everything in me not to kick them “out” (I use the term out loosely because I did not allow them in my home because a. coronavirus and 2. I would gladly allow some unexpected guests in our home, but some, especially the offensive kind, I will not), but I did use the manners I was raised with, I was kind enough even if not deserving, I let them offend our oldest son and me and then I watched as they drove away. I may have expressed some very expletive language in front of our children and then took the rest of my frustration and anger out on the treadmill, running 3 miles faster than I have in my life to date. It’s amazing the adrenaline anger can cause to course through the body.

In other news, I received the 6 month “making sure you haven’t killed yourself or anybody else” check in from hospice. It came with a quiz this time to see if  “I may benefit from increased exposure to a support system”. I passed with a 2. If you received higher than a 5, then it may be time to call on said increased exposure to a support system. The quiz consisted of 5 questions, none of which were “are you so angry you’d like to take a golf club Elin-style to any and everything you possibly can?” so I’m not sure it was the best assessment in the world, but they didn’t ask for my opinion.

I’m really more ok than I am letting on. I think anyway. But I also do have an unnerving amount of hostility running through me with thread bare patience and a general loathing for a lot of things. But, in that hospice letter also came 20 Common Reactions as You Heal From Loss and apparently my reaction is common. So I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice.

Apparently, though, the 6 month mark is supposed to be when you’re feeling more healed than not. But some wounds never heal, some things will never be the same and 6 months is not that long.

In more positive news, I’m buying a lot (as in a piece of land, not like a lot of things) this week. I close on Friday. I’ve been working on house plans and should have a first draft in hand some time this week. The lot is well over half an acre, on the sound, full of trees, tucked away from all things I may want to hit with my 7 iron and just perfect. Or just perfect enough. The boys and I are so excited to build, to move, to start fresh somewhere we never expected to be. It feels good to have something positive to focus on, to make tough decisions, to lead myself and our little bear cubs down the path the I chose.

Lastly, you should know, I picked up Colt’s memory book from preschool. You remember last year’s, I’m sure. This year’s was just as lovely, if not maybe even a little more so. Our boy looks so happy in all of the pictures. Laughing, learning, playing. At the end, there’s a page that starts “When I grow up, I want to be…”. Colt’s response? A golf teacher. Talk about a punch to the gut. It hurt in the most beautiful way. He is his father’s son. Everything you’ve done, he wants to do. Everything you were, he wants to be.

Be proud, my Jonesie. Your boys grow into the young men they are meant to be more and more by the day. We did good. I’ll continue to do better. I will not let this anger get the best of me anymore. (We both know that’s a lie, but I strive to let it go.) I will be strong for them. I will control it for them. And hopefully soon, I can let it all go for them. And for me.

Missing you always,

Your Poopsie

PS – I have finally mastered your un-patented but should be patented hiccup cure without your guidance. It works every time. Kurt, I don’t know if you are reading this, but if you are, unbeknownst to you, your friendship with Ash Jones almost ended rather abruptly after the 2 of you went skiing together and you hiccuped almost the whole way home because you wouldn’t listen to Ash’s cure. He was so mad at you when he got home. True story. Glad he recovered from it and we all remained friends. Love and miss you guys always!

Perks of Being a Widow

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I don’t know much about the afterlife. I guess none of us do. What I do know is that these lightsabers (you know the ones from Disney – not going there (literally and figuratively) again) have a mind of their own. They turn on at will. Jack’s will stay on for hours at a time. Glowing in all it’s purpleyness and making its cool lightsaber sounds. Like right now. It’s almost 10 pm. The boys are long asleep. And the lightsaber is just a glowing and whirring away. I like to tell myself that it’s Ash. That he’s showing me he’s here, that he’s with me all the time. Other random things will happen, also. The X-box turns on nearly every time I sit down to write. One night, lying in bed, unable to sleep, my hand (just my left hand, that was resting where Ash used to lay) turned ice cold. I wondered if that was him, holding my hand, reassuring me that everything is going to be ok.

And I know, everything is going to be ok. And everything is, for the most part, ok. Except for when it’s not. (I know, wiser words were never spoken – it’s a wonder Harvard or Yale hasn’t offered me an honorary PhD in life.)

There are some perks to being a widow – I have full control of the remote control (well, after the boys go to bed that is); nobody ever critiques the way dinner is presented anymore; we eat in the living room whenever we feel like it; I can read for hours if I want – no one complains he’s not getting enough attention; there’s less laundry; we spend way less money (that’s also thanks to the whole don’t leave your house thing we have going on right now); I can go to bed whenever I want (my husband was always big on us going to bed at the same time – funny (not like in a funny ha ha way, but funny in an ironic way), he used to be the one that wanted to stay up late while I preferred an earlier bed time and now I’m always up late watching television that doesn’t make me any smarter and living other people’s lives through social media; there’s no guilt for eating the last Twix; I no longer have to watch golf on television, which I guess is also due to circumstance at the moment, but also, I don’t really enjoy watching golf on television so I’ll keep it in the perk column; there’s less mess in the house (not much less because 2 boys and I kinda suck at cleaning) but slightly less; I have 2 bathroom sinks all to myself; Ash was a critical guy by nature, so not constantly being told how I could improve myself isn’t so bad. I know, these are all silly things but I’m a silly girl and you get what you get.

There is one major thing that I can take away from being a widow as being a pretty large, I don’t know that perk is the right word, but it’s something I have always lacked and something I’m gaining more and more of every single day. Courage. I’ve always been a bit of a coward. I mean, my dad was still ordering my food for me in restaurants when I was 18 years old, I made my roommate make any kind of important phone calls for me all through college in exchange for ironing her clothes and then, once I got married, my husband took over ordering my meals for me and all the important phone calls. I’m intimidated by people. I always have been. I’m more on the shy and introverted side and was always happy to stay on the sidelines. But once you become the only adult in your life (that’s not literal, obviously I have other adults in my life, but on the regular, it’s just me and 2 kids), you have to grow some balls, you have to take the field and you have to start making some fucking plays. You have to order your own food. You have to make important phone calls. You have to make huge, life changing decisions, all by yourself. These things have never been my strengths. But now, I don’t have any other choice. And you know what, it feels kind of good. Liberating, in a way. Given the option, clearly I would keep my husband and keep deferring to him but nobody gave me a fucking choice. So I have had to woman up and I won’t say I’m doing great at this whole courage thing (it’s still pretty new), but I’m not doing bad, either.

Some days, I still put off the important phone calls, I avoid answering the phone, I turn in to myself and avoid being brave. But that’s only some days. And there will always be times when I have to take that time, because I am not naturally courageous. But I’m learning and growing, I’m changing, for the better, I think, because I’m relying on me to get us through this life, and if I can’t rely on myself, who can I rely on?