Category: funny

Fever! Fever all through the night!

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Not really. Well, it could have been all through the night but it’s all gone today! Woo hoo! I’m talking about  Colt of course. I did take him to the doctor yesterday (go me!) and the doctor actually broke out his text book and was all like “I think it’s this!”. The “this” is called roseola and it affects 90% of children between the ages of 6 months and 2 years of age. It’s apparently caused by the herpes virus – types 6 and 7 – (ew) and presents as a high fever for 3-5 days and then a rash (that does not itch) that breaks out on the “trunk” of the child once the fever is gone. We are moving into rash territory today folks! The little red bumps are popping up all on that boys trunk. But he’s quite happy today and we even managed to play outside for a bit this morning. Until he fell in the dirt, looked at his hands, realized they were dirty, threw a bloody fit and we went back inside. Such a charming child!!

Last night, as you may recall, I made crock pot pork tenderloin. I find cooking meat in the crockpot to be tricky. In my experience, if you don’t get the timing exactly right, the meat turns to dust in your mouth. It’s like out of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when they cut open the turkey and it all shrivels up and then they either to pretend to eat it or have to wash it down with copious amounts of water. The pork wasn’t quite that bad but I didn’t find it that good either. My husband liked it. Jack liked the meat, not so much the potatoes and Colt hated it. Although, he hated pretty much everything yesterday so I’m not sure we can trust his opinion. I thought it was edible but nothing I’m dying to eat again. I’ll share the deets with you and you can be the judge. Maybe you know exactly how long to cook pork in the crock pot and yours will turn out amazingly well. If so, hook a sista up with some tips, would ya?!

Ingredients:

2 lb pork tenderloin

1/4 cup soy sauce

2 tbsp. yellow mustard

2 tbsp. olive oil

3 tbsp. maple syrup (seriously! not joking at all)

1 chopped shallot

1 tsp onion powder

1 1/2 tsp garlic powder

Directions:

Put tenderloin in the crockpot (yes, you must put it in there, it will not cook otherwise!!!!). Mix the rest of the ingredients and pour over tenderloin. Cook on low for 6 hours. Flip the tenderloin at 2 and 4 hours for even cooking.

I also cut up some baby red potatoes and threw them in for the last 2 hours. They were actually quite good so I think if I can cook the tenderloin for the appropriate amount of time, this meal will be a tasty one that’s entered into the rotation. We shall see.

I obviously forgot to take pictures yet again (I’m soooo good at this!) but it was none too pretty anyway so you’re welcome!

Tonight I’m making one of my favorite meals of all time. The recipe is actually from a restaurant in the area that shut down several years ago and I was lucky enough to have my dad that knew a cook there and shared it with us! So on tonight’s menu – Quag’s chicken enchiladas, refried beans and Spanish rice. I’ll share all the yumminess with you tomorrow. Probably. If I remember. Until then, stay hungry my friends (ala the most interesting man alive but with hunger, not thirst)! xoxo

How to ruin Valentine’s Day

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Hello friends. Sorry it’s taken me a while to return. Although, to be fair, I did say that I wouldn’t be returning all weekend. Unfortunately, it wasn’t for the amorous, romantic reasons I had hoped. To be fair, we did get in the couples massage, an afternoon nap and probably one of the best dinners I’ve ever had in my life. And just before the dessert arrived, I started feeling a little rumble in my tumble, if you know what I mean. And if  you don’t, I felt like upchucking the glorious meal I just consumed. Mr. Wonderful looked at me, said do you need some air, I said of course not, I’m fine, actually I’m going to go back to the room, see you later.

So, I make my smooth get away, all balanced on my heels and holding back the chunks. I have to ask how the hell to get out of the damn restaurant since I can’t find the damn door on my own. I step outside to the glorious, frigid night air; I round the corner, finding a quiet spot so as not to disturb anyone with the nastiness that I know is coming, and then I relieve myself of $75 worth of dinner and $30 worth of wine. Not my finest moment, especially when I look up and realize I just puked in front of a panaromic window full of diners trying to enjoy they’re ridiculously delicious (not to mention expensive) meal. Yikes to me.  I then sauntered off as if nothing ever happened and there was absolutely nothing to see. Because, quite frankly, what else was I going to do. Perhaps a bow, a tip of my metaphoric hat? No chance. Wasn’t happening.

So, I get back to my gorgeous room with ocean views, change into my fat girl pajamas, lie down on the bed and wait for my husband to return, which he does, accusing me of drinking way too much and throwing my Valentine’s meal down the drain. No honey, not down the drain, in the bushes, in front of a huge window, at a super classy restaurant. Get your damn story straight. And at first, I agreed with him. I must have drank/drunken/drunk (what the hell is the appropriate word, I have no idea! Sorry, Mr. Ervin, in case you ever read this again! I know you taught me better than this!!!) too much wine and my body was just rejecting all the rich food. Until after an hour of sleep, I was up again, same story, different venue. And another 45 minutes after that. And so on and so on for the next 10 or so hours and 9 rounds of vomit later. And it wasn’t just coming out of that end either but you don’t need to know about that just like you don’t need to know that it’s still happening. What, aren’t we all friends here?!

And that my friends, is how to ruin Valentine’s day! Now, I know I promised you all the deets on the pot roast I made on Friday and I will share it with you. Just not yet. The belly is still too delicate to think about that. Plus, I can’t find what I did with the damn recipe. It did turn out well, if you like pot roast (not really my favorite) but my husband loved it and the kids tolerated it. So, once I find it, I promise to share (for those that care and for those that don’t, f*%& you! (Just kidding))!

I will also be trying a new recipe tonight that I got from my wonderful friend Emily (hi, Emily – I assume you’re reading this, if not don’t tell me, I’ll live in my own little fantasy world and pretend you are!!). It’s called poppyseed chicken and I’m pretty excited about it.

I’ll be back friends (ala the Terminator – but not as Austrian or big or scary or political). Until then, order takeout or follow someone’s blog who cooks way better than me! xoxo