Category: food

Burnin’ it Down

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There are many things in life at which I do not excel. Cutting grass, for instance. I suck at it. I tried it a couple of times over the summer because I absolutely had to and it just didn’t go well. I tried push mowing. I tried the riding mower. It didn’t matter which one I used. They both shut down on me, I cursed a lot and the yard ultimately looked like I let an ADHD goat gnaw it down for us. So, mowing, not my thing.

Something else I have learned that is not my thing is anything pertaining to bikes (other than riding one, I’m pretty mediocre at riding one). Low tires? Can’t figure out the pump. Popped tire? Ummmm?????? Gears twisted more than an Auntie Anne’s pretzel? Yeah right!!! Can’t do it. Don’t want to do it. That’s why I have a brother. And a brother-in-law. And nearly any other human on the planet that is not me. Mechanical fixes are not my jam. And I’m ok with that.

Also not my thing – assembly of any and every thing. I’ve been searching for Christmas gifts for my children, trying to fulfill *most* of what they are asking for (that’s not even a little bit true – Jack’s list is so over the top ridiculous and expensive, I’m not even pretending that I’m getting him anything remotely close to what’s on it – other than the scooter (only needed because his brother may or may not have left it in the middle of the driveway and Uncle Randy may or may not have run it over) which is really the only affordable thing on his list). Seriously, his list consists of a Playstation 5 (impossible), an iPhone, a Chromebook, an iPad, a gaming chair (umm, isn’t that just like an office chair and won’t that require assembly on my part?!) and a million dollars. Get in freaking line kid. That’s one hell of a Christmas list. I’m not saying you’ve been bad this year, but you sure as shit ain’t getting any of that. Anyway, I got a little off topic there. Assembly. I suck at that as well. Shocking, I know based on the above where I’m proving some pretty impressive skills. I’ve been searching for only things that do not require assembly. And when did everything stop coming assembled? Has that always been the case? I bought a new vacuum probably over 2 months ago and just opened the box YESTERDAY and it was all because I knew it had to be assembled and to me, that seemed very daunting. (It wasn’t, by the way. I did it just fine. It even mostly works as long as I don’t take it on the carpet. It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.)

You see, Ash was in charge of lawn mowing, bike mechanics (or any other mechanical things that may come about), assembly of all things including Legos (seriously, I cannot follow Lego instructions to save my life. I put at least some portion of any Lego project together backward, upside, inside out or all of the above. Every. Fucking. Time.) and grilling. Ash was in charge of grilling.

Which leads me to where I’m at right now in my current state of widowhood. I have been grilling for a while now. And I haven’t been terrible at it (unlike everything else listed above). I’ve been succeeding. I’ve been doing it regularly. My kids have even been impressed with me. They’ve been begging me to try grilling steak again for the last few weeks. So, I finally bought some ribeyes and tonight was going to be the night. I poured a large glass of red wine, started the grill, went about cutting up potatoes and seasoning the steaks. I had fed my dogs and let them out. The Lumineers radio was playing softly from that stupid Alexa bitch that can never seem to get anything quite right (it seems we have that in common). Everything was right with the world. Until I hear my old Bogey girl barking like crazy (which isn’t weird for her, the older she gets, the mouthier she gets, kinda like me). But it’s starting to annoy me so I can only imagine how the neighbors feel about it. I go outside to see what all the fuss is about, look to my right at the screaming banshee/crazy old dog and then look to my left to see my grill up in fucking flames. I mean, the bitch was on fire. Big fire. Scary fire. I look at it for a few seconds, open the lid (flames everywhere), open the doors underneath where the gas is and and (proudly) smart enough to know to turn the gas off. I notice the little tray that I guess catches all the yuck that falls off all the shit you grill (including the fat and grease and stuff) and pinpoint the source of said fire. I turn the burners of the grill off and shut the lid thinking certainly that will solve all my problems (it doesn’t) and then I just stand there for a minute, staring, entranced by the heat and the flames, wondering should I pour some water on the grill. But then remembering that water is sometimes bad for fire but I can’t quite remember why or when or how. So then I go grab my cell phone and call my parents house. They don’t answer (umm, parents, why do you have a house phone if you never ever intend on answering it?) so then I call my mom’s cell phone. I very calmly (and I’m serious here, my mom even commented later on how calm I was) explained that my grill was on fire and I wasn’t quite sure what to do. She suggested flour or baking soda/powder (I can’t remember) and I very calmly marched inside, got the flour and threw that shit all over the grill, the grill pan, the porch, the dogs, myself. Wherever I could throw flour, I fucking threw it.

And it worked. The fire went out before my house burnt to the ground. It’s safe to say I need a new grill. But all in all, it could have been a lot worse. But that brings me back to my whole point. Grilling was not my job. Grilling clearly should not be my job. I had no idea about the grease trap pan thing (probably definitely the technical name for it) – didn’t know it was there, didn’t know it was full, sure as shit didn’t know it needed to be changed (probably frequently).

I’ve never lived on my own for such a long time (I mean, my kids clearly live with me but they’re not so helpful in the way of chores and getting shit done and knowing how not to burn the house down). I lived with my parents (obviously) until I went off to college. In college, I had a roommate every year except for one (and even though I paid rent on a one bedroom apartment for that one year, I actually lived in my college boyfriend’s apartment and literally never stayed in my own apartment. Sorry mom.) There was a brief time after college where I lived by myself but that was only for a month, maybe less. I’ve always had a family member or a roommate or a boyfriend or a husband to pick up where I leave off, to fix what I may break, to balance out all the shit that I can get so incredibly wrong, to know that the grease trap pan thing in the grill needs to be changed or your whole grill will go up in flames. And now, at age 38, I have lived essentially on my own for almost 13 months. I guess I was bound to almost burn the house down. I’m sure I’ll make hundreds and hundreds and thousands and thousands of other nearly detrimental mistakes. That’s both the pain and the hilarity of becoming a young(ish) widow.

But, I guess the whole point is that I didn’t burn the house down. We ate steak from a cast iron skillet. We’re all still here. We’re all still healthy. We’re all still sane(ish). We’re doing it. It’s not always (ever) perfect. It’s not always pretty. It’s not always (ever) normal. But we’re still ok. And if we’re still ok (especially in 2020), then I absolutely know, that no matter what, we will always be ok (I’d better knock on some wood STAT). Even when we (I) almost burn down the fucking house.

Mustard is Sexy

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I debated on what this next post should be about. Part of me thought it was necessary to divulge what happened New Year’s Eve (super amazing night with friends, lots of Tito’s, too much champagne, plenty of dancing and tons of laughter), the devastation of New Year’s day (and it wasn’t just the hangover, really didn’t feel all that hungover to be perfectly honest) and the lack of sleep on both nights. But then I decided my posts have been morose enough as of late and you’re probably all sick of my depressing bull shit and want to tell me to woman the fuck up! If you do want to say that though, screw you, I’m going through a lot, it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to!!!!!

I thought, instead, I’d take it on back to those glorious, rocky, uncertain dating days with my Mr. Wonderful (which is an ironic nickname because Ash was many things, wonderful probably not being his top quality. I actually just had a very similar conversation with one of my closest friends the other day. How Ash was so great at living! It was probably the thing he was best at, that and anything related to golf. But he sure did suck at real life, you know the parenting and the paying the bills and the husbanding and the getting a job and the real deal, real life shit that we all have to do!! It’s ok, he knew it, too. I’m not speaking ill of the dead! (I guess technically I am, but it’s not anything I wouldn’t and didn’t say to his face.))

We last left off with Ash calling me to find out what color sheets I thought he should purchase. That was probably one of the strangest phone calls of my life, but I went with it. He did not, as previously stated, ask me on another date on that phone call. Again, WTF, why did he call, why did he want my opinion, what is up with this guy? I thought, like you probably did, oh, he wants my opinion on sheets, perhaps he has pictured me in these sheets with him. But, then he said thanks and hung up. What in the actual fuck?

The next day was a Friday. I worked and then had plans to go out with some girlfriends. I think we went to a wine tasting that I very vaguely remember. I drank too much then went home with said girlfriends and drank some more. Shocking, I know. Some things never change. I lived in this adorable cottage at the time, right across the street from the beach, old Nags Head style cedar shake with red trim. The floors were made of 2x4s I’m pretty sure and all the dirt and sand from upstairs fell through the cracks in the wood so that it often felt like its was raining dirt in the downstairs of the house. I loved it, though. It was perfect for a young and vibrant 24 year old girl that was obsessed with sandy toes and sun kissed skin.

I wake up Saturday morning to my phone ringing at some ungodly hour, like 8 am. I look at it, see that it’s Ash, wonder if he’s looking at dish towels now and really needs my opinion on that as well. I answer it because 1. I’m intrigued and b. I’m kind of excited, interested, confused. Low and behold, he asks me out! He finally asks me out again. Only, he’s literally asking me out right that minute. Like, he’s going to pick me up in 20 minutes, can I be ready. Ummm, not really, but like the dumb 24 year old twit that I am, I say absolutely, no problem, see you in 20.

Ash is a realtor back then. Not a good one, but a realtor nonetheless and he has to go sit at an open house down at some condos an hour south from where we are. I don’t think I even showered, no time. I throw on a denim skirt, a pink polo shirt and the most adorable pink Sperry topsiders that also happen to be 1/2 size too small but they were so darn cute, I just couldn’t resist (told you I was a twit). I toss my hair on top of my head, quick swipe of mascara and a touch of lip gloss (so simple when you’re so young) and voila, I’m almost presentable. Never mind the alcohol seeping out of my pores or my stomach that is ready to revolt at any minute (whether from nerves or the aforementioned alcohol, I’m not sure).

He picks me up and takes me to a local deli to grab a breakfast sandwich and lunch because I guess we’ll be gone a while (wish I had known that before I put on the damn pink shoes that are a 1/2 size too small, probably why I have a foot issues presently). I will say I won the breakfast order – ham, egg and cheese on a croissant. I had a hard time with ordering my lunch. I am a mayo girl. I am also a girl riddled with anxiety and fear of people’s opinions of me (at that time anyway, who am I kidding, I’m still anxiety riddled) so I order a turkey sandwich with mustard because clearly mustard is a sexier choice than mayo (seriously, this is my thought process and also one of Ash’s favorite things about me – when he learned this he both teased and loved it mercilessly). Mustard. The sexy condiment.

We make our way south to the condos and literally just sit in the clubhouse. All. Day. Long. Except of course when he decides we should really go check out the surf because he brought his surf board and maybe he should do that for a while. See? Worst realtor ever. We check out the surf (there was none), we walk on the beach, we take a nature trail to the sound. You know what we don’t do? Sell any condos! We eat our lunch, my sexy mustard, his much more delicious mayo. The day drags on. I’m dog tired. My head hurts. I’m thirsty. And I just want to go home. I was enjoying his company. We talked endlessly. This just wasn’t the day for marathon dates and conversation and nerves and excitement. My stomach was too delicate. Probably had everything to do with nasty mustard. Bleck!

5 pm finally hits. There’s been not one single person interested in a Slash Creek Condo and we finally start the trek home. Only hold up, Ash has decided we should also have dinner. Holy shit. I don’t want to say no. I also don’t want to say yes. But I’m young, weak and a little dumb and I do say yes but in my head I’m screaming. Why are we having 3 dates today? We’ve had breakfast and lunch and now dinner, too?! I just want to go home!!! But I also like that he’s liking me. He hasn’t touched me all day. No hand holding. No hugging. No kissing. Surely, after all this, he will take me home and something! A hug, a kiss, a full on make-out? I wouldn’t be opposed to any of it. But, alas, nothing. Not even a high five. I can’t exactly remember how it ended, what was said. I know we didn’t make more plans for another date. Jesus Christ, we just had dates 2, 3 and 4 all in the same day. I still like him though. He’s cute, funny, seemingly nice and really hungry all the time!

I asked him out for date 3, didn’t wait for him this time, so progressive of me. Took him to dinner and The Lost Colony (front row seats – do you know what you don’t want front row seats for? If you guessed The Lost Colony, you hit the nail on the head!! So fucking loud!) He took me home afterward, and still no kiss, no hand holding, nothing. I’m so confused.

Date 4 he invited me over for dinner that he was making. They were the worst fucking tacos I have ever had in my life. Seriously. (a little fact I didn’t divulge until years later) We watched a movie after. I can’t remember what the movie was, but he finally kissed me. Like, a lot. Finally.

Dating Ash was always so much fun. Even after marriage, we still dated each other all the time. Real life we weren’t always great at, but dating, we had that down. So make sure you still make time to date each other, enjoy each other, dress up for each other, go out, watch movies and make out on the couch. You never know when something will change your life forever and make you realize how lucky you were to experience all that love, lust and fun.

She bakes! She bakes!

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Seriously y’all! Just made some bomb a$$ cookies! I’d share the recipe but it’s complicated and intricate and just, really only those advanced bakers should try it. I mean the details alone kept me busy most of the day!

Although I won’t be sharing this top secret recipe, I will show you the final product! 


😂😂

Y’all don’t be jealous of Mama and her mad skills!! xoxo

Taquito Bandito

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Hello party people. It’s me again. I’m back like backstreet only they’re not back. I think we’ve gone over this before. When we left off, I promised you a bean and beef Taquito recipe. And I will give it to you. Promise. But first I have a couple things to say. Shocking, I know!

So, first things first, my six-year-old got student of the month the very first month of school. Now let me tell you this, he certainly is not student of the month at home but it does feel good to know that what we teach him at home is actually sinking in I would assume. I don’t mean to sound offensive about Jack. It’s just at home he’s going through a shall we say asshole phase (may as well call a spade a spade). To be fair though, his dad and I are probably going through an asshole phase as well. You know how your kid is doing something and you’re watching it and it’s driving you nuts and you’re about to yell at him and all of a sudden BOOM! It hits you that he’s acting exactly like you. Pretty freaking annoying, isn’t it? I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles so to speak. 

But anyway, back to student of the month, (not that I’m bragging or anything, (I totally am)) we are so proud of him and it is an amazing accomplishment. So we took him to his favorite restaurant to celebrate on Friday night. Restaurant meaning burger shack. They also serve custard. And I’d like to talk about custard for a minute. Holy slap your mama tasty. Custard is the shiznit! Now we were in line and I debated on whether or not I should go for the custard. I’m trying to lose weight. I’ve been doing the couch to 5K thing. I’m on week two I’m happy to report and I’ll get to more about that later. So I was trying to be good. However, they had pumpkin pie custard the night we went. And I try to tell Mr. wonderful that I wasn’t having any. As a matter fact we went through the line and I didn’t order any. Mr. wonderful got some kind of cookie sandwich hot fudge 5,000,000 calories in a bowl so I figured I would have a bite of his and that would satisfy my custard appetite. Well wouldn’t you know I failed again. Not only did my husband get up and get in line and order me some pumpkin pie custard, but he also added a scoop of vanilla to it and rainbow sprinkles. Yes I said rainbow sprinkles because I love rainbow sprinkles. I always have. I always will. And I am not ashamed. Holy moly double guacamole, was that shit good. It was worth every ridiculous calorie it had in it. Seriously. If you live in the area, it’s kill Devil custard and that pumpkin pie custard with vanilla custard was just really worth everything. It was so good I’m not even making sense right now. Heed my advice and go get some immediately before it runs out and before they shut down for the season. You’re welcome in advance.

Moving on to couch to 5K or whatever that nonsense is I’m trying to complete. Not that it’s nonsense. Actually I’m very much enjoying it. It goes by fast. So far the jogging isn’t too bad. And it makes my day just start way better than if I just slept in. I’m on week two. Just started it today. And I highly recommend it if you’re looking to get moving like my big fat booty needed to do. So since I’m doing all that jogging, you know like half a mile currently, it only makes sense that I carb load. I’ve already made dinner for tonight,  high-five me. It’s a baked macaroni and cheese with bacon so really how can you go wrong. I’ve not tried it before and I am kind of combining a couple of recipes to make it something that I want and that my boys will eat. So pretty much double the cheese you know triple the noodles whatever, I’m just kidding (sorta)! I’ll let you know how it turns out. And give you the recipe. Carboloading is fun. For us half mile runners. Not unlike half marathon runners. Nearly the same thing in my opinion!

So now that you’ve read (you did read it, right?!) through all this boring bullshit I’ve put in your path, here is the much anticipated (in my egomaniacal mind) beef and bean taquito recipe! 

Ingredients:

Vegetable oil 

1 pound lean ground beef

1 can pinto beans, rinsed

1 onion halved and sliced thin

2 jalapeños, stand, seeded, and minced

3 garlic cloves, minced, or you could be like this mama and just use minced garlic 

1 tsp ground cumin

1 tsp chili powder

1 8 oz can tomato sauce

1/2 cup water

3 tbsp minced fresh cilantro

Salt and pepper to taste

Corn tortillas

1 large egg, lightly beaten

Directions:

Brown hamburger, drain and set aside. In a separate bowl, mashed pinto beans with a masher. It really says with a masher. If you want to use a spoon, I won’t tell anybody.  You do you boo.

Heat 1 tablespoon of oil over medium heat. Add onion and cook until softened and lightly browned. Stir in jalapeños, garlic, cumin and chili powder and cook until fragrant. Stir in tomato sauce, water, cilantro, half a teaspoon of salt half a teaspoon of pepper, drained beef and mashed beans. Cook, stirring often, until mixture has thickened and begins to sizzle, about 10 minutes. Now, this recipe didn’t call for it, but I also added about a cup of shredded Colby Jack cheese because mama don’t cook if cheese ain’t involved. My arteries love me. So if you want to add cheese, mix it in and stir until fully melted. Then transfer meat mixture to a separate form. And let cool for 20 minutes. 

Wrap corn tortillas in a wet paper towel and microwave for approximately 1 to 2 minutes, depending on how many you use. 

Brush the top edges of the corn tortillas with egg wash. Place desired meet him out in corn tortilla and roll tight. 

Now, you could use a deep fryer if you have one, or just heat oil in a large skillet on the stove and fry them that way. I chose the skillet way because it seems less messy. So once you have your taquito all rolled, place them in hot oil and fry on each side for approximately five minutes. 

Voila, you have taquitos. The recipe made a shit ton so I ended up by freezing a good bunch of them after we finished eating. Works out well because then you can just pull them out, especially during football season, pop ’em in the oven, probably on 400 for 15-20 minutes (totally pulled that out of my ass, I really have no clue) until they’re heated through and bon appétit, you have a snack.

So that’s it for today y’all. I’ll check back in and let you know how the bacon mac & cheese is, but really how could it be bad?! Bacon. Cheese. Win. xoxo

Glamp it up up up!

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Raise your hand if you’ve missed me!! We’ve been busy. I’ve been cooking but I’m keeping it all to myself! Kidding. Kidding. I would never keep all this queen of the kitchen status I’ve got going on to myself. That would just be unfair. Ya heard?! (I don’t know why I do these things. Weird is as weird does I guess!!)

So. Glamping. Do you do it? Because you should. What’s that saying? Want to hate America, watch the news. Want to love America, go glamping. (Yes, I know it’s camping but Mama don’t sleep on the ground or without a fan!) We went glamping at an oceanfront KOA a couple weeks ago with a couple of other families (6 adults and 7 MALE children! Yikes!) and had an amazing time! There was the pool, the beach, the playground, the giant bouncy thingy (its official name obviously), the game room, the grilling, the fire, the smores, the laughter, the playing, the drinking, the eating and just generally the being merry. I’m telling y’all, it felt magical! We rented a “rustic” one room cabin (I like it when rustic means a/c AND a fan) that included a full size bed and bunk beds. Pretty durn perfect for a family of 4! Get out there and glamp y’all! Promise you won’t regret it. (I wonder if the KOA wants to pay me for all this awesome promoting and marketing I’m dishing out for them?!)

Anywho, cooking. I’ve tried 2 new recipes already this week and both were absolutely delicious! The first was a chicken and veggie teriyaki pasta and the other was beef and bean taquitos (which were a little more involved than mama likes but oh so yummy)!  

First up the One Pot Teriyaki Chicken and Noodles (don’t be fooled, there’s not one drop of teriyaki in this dish. Go figure)

Ingredients:

2 tbsp oil

2 chicken breasts cut into chunks (I seasoned ’em with salt n pepa…the spices. Just to clarify)

1 cup shredded carrots

1 cup snap peas

1 chopped bell pepper (I used yellow coz it’s the 6 year olds favorite color therefore he will eat it. Coz 6 year olds)

1/2 cup soy sauce (I used reduced sodium)

2.5 cups chicken broth

1 box pronto half cut spaghetti (or, ya know, just break that shit yourself if you’re not as lazy as me)

1/4 cup honey (this was very disturbing to the 6 yr old)

2 tsp garlic (I used minced since the recipe didn’t specify)

1 tsp fresh ginger

1 tbsp white vinegar 

2-3 sliced green onions (this is optional. We opted in and don’t regret it! 😜)

Directions:

1. Heat oil in large skillet (I used a large pot! Shhh! Don’t tell) over medium high heat. Add chicken, season with salt and pepper and cook, stirring occasionally, until browned. 

2. Add the carrots, peas and peppers and cook for 2 to 3 minutes until tender crisp (whatever that means)

3. Add the soy sauce, chicken broth, honey, garlic, ginger and vinegar and stir until combined. Stir in the noodles.

4. Bring back to a simmer over medium heat and cook, stirring occasionally, for about 10 minutes until Al dente (that’s fancy for not quite done, in mamas opinion anyway! Mama likes her noodles soft. Not in all things of course! Gross.)

In the future, I think I will add water chestnuts to this recipe. I missed the crunch that I like so much. Here’s what the finished product look like. Mama remembered to take a picture. Score!


As for the beef and bean taquitos, you’ll have to tune in tomorrow for that recipe. Or whenever I do it. Because we know mama aint so good at this.  For some reason my computer has malfunctioned and I’ve had to do all of this on my iPhone and I’m done now. I cannot type on this thing any longer! 😱 

So stay tuned friends. I’ll be back…xoxo

Once a cheater, always a cheater

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Is this true? I don’t know. But I’m not talking about the bad kind of cheating where you want to rip your spouse’s nads off for putting his tool in another chamber so to speak. I’m talking about cheating at making dinner. Coz as we all know, this mama loves a good dinner cheat! (Not a spousal cheat, this mama doesn’t love that! Duh!)

Anywho, on with the cheating. Hubby grilled steaks the other night. And they weren’t just any steaks. They were NY Strips about 3 inches thick. That’s a lot of beef for two people. Now, I don’t know about you, but reheating a steak and eating as a steak is not so good. I do not enjoy it. I find it a bit on the nasty side (no offence if you like it, to each her own and all that jazz). So, what does one do with a leftover slab of beef? I’ll tell you. You make steak quesadillas. That’s what you do. They’re easy. They’re delicious. They’re cheap. And did I mention they’re easy?!

I made these easy, delicious, cheap and easy cheater quesadillas last night. Everybody loved them and we didn’t waste all that delicious beef (coz it’s what’s for dinner!). All I did was cut up the remaining steak into little cubes/squares/whatever; throw it in a hot frying pan, cover with salsa (I used Pace thick and chunky coz I like my salsa like I like my body!!!!!); get it all nice and warm. Meanwhile, I have a big ole skillet I’m heating on medium-high heat. The trick with quesadillas, if you don’t have a quesadilla maker (which, what a waste of money, again in my opinion, which as we know are like assholes, moving on) is to make sure your pan is nice and hot before you put the quesadilla on it. So meat’s simmering in salsa, skillet is heating up…I like to use the big ole burrito sized flour tortillas, lay it on the counter, cover half with shredded cheese of your choosing (I used the 4 cheese Mexican blend, reduced fat, coz I really don’t like being thick and chunky…), cover the cheese with the meat, then added some shredded cheddar on top of the meat (coz, fuck it, maybe I’m meant to be thick and chunky) and really, you want your quesadilla a. cheesy and 2. to stay sealed/together/whathaveyou. So fill it with your ingredients (I like to sometimes add spinach, black beans rice and/or corn but mama didn’t have these supplies on hand so just simplicity last night), spray  your super hot skillet with cooking spray and cook quesadillas on each side until browned and crisp. Last night I served them with a side of pinto beans and called it good.

Yummy stuff y’all! Great way to use any kind of leftover meat, really. It’s hard to go wrong with a Mexican dish in my opinion.

So, today is my 7 years of marital bliss with the hubby day. And of course, this mama ain’t cooking! I’m going to feed the kids early, put them to bed early and hubby is going to bring home some takeout and we’re going to eat child free, which is always a treat. This is actually the first year ever we haven’t gone on an actual date on our anniversary but hubby has to work late and I’ve used a lot of babysitting (ie my parents) lately and feel like they probably need a break! So, late night date night at home it is!

Until next time friends….xoxo

steak quesadilla

Ranchers gotta ranch

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No, I’m not a rancher but I do love ranch dressing. For real. I’m one of those people that wait staff hate because I ask for ranch dressing on the side for pretty much everything. (I’m certain this little addiction has NOTHING to do with the size of my ass. And thighs. And belly. And, you know what, just mind your own damn business!)

So why all the talk about ranch you ask? Coz last night I managed to make dinner. Ranch chicken, which I’ll share that so easy my 19 month old could do it recipe with you in just a bit. But first I want to talk about earth day. Why you ask? Because my kindergartener had an earth day party today.

Yes folks. An earth day party. Apparently that’s a thing in kindergarten in these parts. Now, I’ve heard of planting a tree at school, or cleaning up the nature trail or doing something actually earthy in nature for earth. But never, in my almost 34 years, have a seen anyone throw an actual earth day party. First time for everything I guess.  (Side note, I just got up to blow my nose in the middle of a sentence because mama’s got a nasty cold and completely forgot where I was going with this. Yay me. Awesome as usual!) Anyway, I was in charge of the drinks. So I brought in a big jug of red dye no 4. You’re welcome parents. Happy to  make you so happy!!! The kids got some pretzel sticks, chocolate pudding and gummy worms. Oh and 1 strawberry each. What the hell any of that had to do with earth day is beyond me. But it got me thinking. Maybe I should have an earth day celebration. Everybody bring a  plant for my garden (and plant that shit too – I hate yard work) and I’ll provide  you with an earthy mojito or 6 (earthy because of the mint, which is a plant, which is earthy – we’ve come full circle). Who wants to come? I think it could be fun. (Of course, I’ll have to keep having them every week so that y’all can maintain the plants that you’ve planted. Otherwise they gonna get sick and die. Coz mama’s thumb ain’t even close to green!) RSVP in the comments below. I’m thinking Saturday afternoon!

So, ranch chicken. Super easy. Super tasty. Super super super kid friendly. I served it last night with green beans, biscuits and rice. So here goes:

Ingredients: (this is another one of those meals where I’m just winging)

thin sliced chicken breasts (if you can’t find them, you could just pound out (oh yeah!) regular chicken breast but you know this mama ain’t got the time or want for that)

Hidden valley ranch dressing (this is very important – you want this particular brand for the nice tang it provides)

Italian style bread crumbs (I use regular and panko cause I like that little crunch the panko provides)

Directions:

Fully coat the chicken boobies (that’s slang for breasts) in ranch dressing followed by the bread crumbs. Bake on 350 for 25-30 minutes (depending on how thick your meat  is – I could go so many places with that but I’ll spare you!!). That’s it y’all. It’s tasty. It’s easy. It’s a winner.

Now, if you yourself are the ranch enthusiasts that we in this family are, then please know that I also make a batch of homemade ranch and use it to dip the chicken in. Coz that’s how we roll (literally coz our asses are so big from all the ranch consumption!!) Kidding.

Tonight I’m cheating yet again. Move over Sandra Lee. There’s a new barely homemade girl in town!! I like the Harris Teeter pre-made turkey meatballs. Throw them in with some good marinara, put on a toasted hoagie, melt cheese on top – voila meatball subs!

Next week I’m starting a 10 day shred to lose some of this ranch dressing off all my wobbly bits! This entails no gluten, no dairy, no caffeine, no alcohol, no patience, no happiness. I’ll keep you posted on that progress. Hopefully the children survive. The hubby probably won’t!!!!!

Y’all take it easy. RSVP to the earth day party. And each subsequent week! Haha!!! xoxo

One more thing…if anybody wants to buy me a new computer, I’ll gladly accept it. I’d prefer a mac desktop with the big screen. This laptop I got now is a  piece of shit! I inadvertently deleted this blog post TWICE people and had to rewrite it. So I was probably way smarter and cleverer 2 times ago!!

 

 

Slack-a-her (in my best Ace Ventura voice)

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Hey friends! Remember me? Whew – life has been a bit hectic lately. We just finished up basketball with the 6 year old on Saturday and baseball started yesterday. And I’m talking real baseball. No more tee. No more 45 minute “practice”. Real deal hour and a half long practice, hitting a pitched (well, off a pitching machine) ball and playing actual positions. And boy  does that ball come quick. I was shocked. Jack struggled of course. It’s hard to go from a tee where the ball is right there just waiting to be hit, to an actual live ball. He had no idea when to swing, he was always about 5 seconds too late. Poor buddy! He’ll get the hang of it though. I come from a long line of baseball players so I have faith that Jack will figure this out.

I did manage to crank out some meals the last few days. I think we left off on Saturday when Mr. Wonderful was grilling steak. We bought some big a$$ porterhouses that cost an arm and a leg and hubby grilled them to medium rare perfection. We all stuffed ourselves on beef, roasted asparagus and oven roasted potatoes. It was a magical night of eating. But, of course, the magic couldn’t last. Since we splurged so much Saturday night, hubby insisted we have leftovers Sunday night. Only issue (a little bit more than minor in my opinion) was that there was only meatloaf leftover. And only enough for 1 person. And guess who the 1 person was that got the meatloaf (hint: it wasn’t me (or Shaggy) – oh dear, I’m showing my age). If you guessed the man that insisted we have leftovers for dinner, ding, ding, ding, you win. There’s no prize other than knowing that you were right, but congratulations anyway! So, the poor kids got frozen chicken nuggets (calm down, I didn’t make them eat them frozen – I nuked ’em like any self-respectable mom would do – I can’t wait to get my “Mom” blue ribbon that I know will be coming for all this amazing momming I’m constantly doing) and peas and carrots. So that left me with nothing to eat. I did steal a couple bites of the meatloaf (still delicious) and then heated myself some cheese ravioli. It was a crap night of food.

But I redeemed myself Monday. I made a one pot chicken alfredo with roasted broccoli (yes we just had that, but I’m pretty certain no one ever od’d on broccoli) and Italian bread. It was tasty! Jack liked to so much he had seconds (and then had it again last night because last night’s dinner was too spicy for him he claimed and I didn’t  feel like arguing and sometimes you just have to do what’s easy (not too often though), especially when your husband is at class all night and you’ve just come from real baseball practice where you chased a 17 month old around nearly the entire time because of course the field is right on the highway (helllooooo run on sentence) and even though you dropped him with your inlaws so you could watch practice in peace he was brought back after 20 minutes). Whew! I’m getting ahead of myself. Back to Monday night – one pot chicken alfredo. Easy! Delicious! Not altogether healthy! Easier clean up because, hello, one pot! (I loathe doing dishes but never relinquish control of the kitchen because I’m crazy that way). Anywho…here’s the recipe

Ingredients:

2 boneless skinless chicken breasts (cut into chunks)

salt & pepper (not to be confused with Salt & Peppa)

1 1/2 tsp minced garlic (I used closer to 2 tsp)

1 1/2 cups chicken stock

1 cup heavy cream (I used more and will tell you why in a bit)

1 fresh basil sprig (I used 2)

1/2 lb uncooked pasta

Olive oil (a couple tbsps)

2 cups grated parmesan

Directions:

Season chicken with salt and pepper. I also seasoned mine with basil. Brown chicken in olive oil on medium high heat (don’t do it too long, the chicken continues to cook the whole time so you don’t want to dry it out). Add garlic and saute until fragrant. Add chicken stock, cream and uncooked pasta. Stir to combine. Add basil sprig(s); bring to a boil then cover and reduce  to a simmer. Simmer 15-20 min or until pasta is tender. Remove sprig; mix in parmesan cheese. Now, 2 cups of parmesan cheese is a lot. I suggest either cutting back on the cheese or make sure you add more heavy cream after you mix in the cheese. My pasta go super dried out after I added the cheese but after I added more cream (or milk would work too) it moistened right back up and tasted yummy to my tummy!

Yesterday we had baseball practice so I made a stacked enchilada dinner in the crockpot. Hubby and I loved it. Colt loved it. And as I said earlier Jack thought it “doesn’t taste bad but is too spicy”. I’ll share that recipe with you tomorrow coz I gotta go get my yoga on before Thing 1 gets home and Thing 2 wakes up. Until then…xoxo

PS – This afternoon we have a play date at the beach and hubby has class so I won’t be cooking tonight. Yay me!!!!

  
Look! A picture! Not a good one but beggars can’t be choosers, eh?!

Meatloaf! Beatloaf! I hate meatloaf!

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Ok, that’s not true at all. I freaking love meatloaf. You know what I do hate though? That it’s called meatloaf. Who’s with me? For something so delicious, it sure does have an awful name. Meatloaf. Meatloaf. Meatloaf. I think I’ll start a campaign to change the name of meatloaf. What could we call it? Meat log? Gross! Beef log? Even worse? How about beef Remington? Let’s really posh it up here. Let’s give meatloaf the name it deserves! Because it is tasty. But nobody comes running to the table when you say “the meatloaf is ready”.  Wouldn’t it sound much better if we said “the beef Remington is ready”? I like it. Any suggestions are welcome!

You probably guessed it. I cooked on a Friday. Again. But I didn’t cook Thursday. We went out to eat with some friends. 4 adults and 4 children. 6 and under. Whew! That’ll fill up your wine glass/pint glass/highball glass in a hurry (mine was a wine glass, as it normally is – Pinot Noir if you must know – also, it was the first wine I’ve had since I ruined Valentines Day and I kept it down and it tasted delicious. Score!!). It was fun though. A little old lady (who had been hitting the high ball glass all day  me thinks) got seated next to us, looked at us, immediately flagged down a waitress and demanded to be moved somewhere “without all this; without all these -ugh- kids”. I wonder if that lady knows she too was a kid one day (long, long, long ago) and that kids are actually what make everything great in this world – their innocence, their humor, their delight, just everything about kids is pretty freaking awe-some! And at one point, we were all kids. And our kids weren’t even being disruptive. They occasionally get a little louder than they possibly should have, but the restaurant was already loud so who gives a shit! It’s not like we were dining at a fancy five star joint. Whatever. I hope she enjoyed her meal in the absolutely no where quiet part of the restaurant. And I really hope she wasn’t driving. And I really really hope she doesn’t have any grandchildren herself coz yikes! Ok, that was mean, but really, sometimes, the truth hurts.

Back to the point – I cooked last night. If you guessed beef Remington (I’m loving the name change already) then you are absolutely correct and pretty clever, too I might add. Now normally, I cheat when it comes to beef Remington. I usually use the McCormick’s packet and call it good but last night I actually made my own beef Remington (just FYI, I just typed meatloaf and had to go back and fix it – whew! Change is hard but so worth it!!!). And y’all, let me tell you, it was damn good. I’m so excited about it. The packet is so chuck-a-buck full of sodium that I’m quite happy to have an actual recipe that I love!! I did forget to take a picture, yet again, but I’m sure none of you are shocked. Now, I found the recipe online – and I’ll give it to you exactly like I found it – but I actually tweaked it some for my family’s taste and I’ll share my tweaks with you too. It was good stuff. Everybody cleared their plate much to the dog’s dismay!

Ingredients:

2 lbs lean ground beef (I used 1 1/2 pounds)

1 cup soft bread crumbs

1 beaten egg

1/2 cup ketchup

1 tsp minced garlic

2 tsp salt (I only used 1 tsp – 2 seemed like way too much)

dash of pepper (I used about 1 tsp – we like pepper)

1 medium finely chopped onion (I used a small shallot coz it’s all mama had!)

1 tbsp. horseradish (I did about 2 tsp, again, coz it’s all mama had)

The recipe didn’t call for this but I also added a couple shakes of Worcestershire because, quite frankly, ground beef and Worcestershire go together even better than peas and carrots. Take that Jenny and Forrest!!!

Directions:

Thoroughly mix all ingredients and shape in loaf (or a Remington!!) pan. It suggested covering with ketchup but I don’t love ketchup all that much so I’ve always used 1 can of tomato soup on my meatloaf (and it’s damn good, if you like tomato soup!). Bake 1 hour at 350. I baked mine for about an hour and 20 minutes and it came out as close to perfect as beef Remington can get.

I served this with mashed potatoes (duh! – 5 peeled and cooked yellow potatoes, mixed (on low) with whole milk, butter, pepper and seasoned salt), roasted broccoli and biscuits. Heaven. And yesterday was such a nasty day here, it was the perfect rainy, cold weather meal. If you try nothing else that I post up here y’all, you NEED to try this one!!! Easy, delicious and worth every calorie!!

Tonight Mr. Wonderful is grilling porterhouse steaks. We’ll be serving those up with roasted asparagus and grilled potatoes. Yum! Yum! Tis the weekend of beef! There could be worse things in the world!!! xoxo