Category: family

Hello, My Name is Kellie and I’m an Angry Elf

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One of the grief processes – anger. I have it in spades. I never know what’s going to set it off. Could be one of my children scraped his nerf gun against my wall for the 3,257,851st time in a 5 minute period. Could be the new puppy my children just had to have pissed on the floor yet again because she doesn’t understand going outside and I’m not sure she ever will. Could be that my underwear is on inside out. Which it is. Right now. Because that’s my life now.

It’s funny. But it’s also making me cry. Today is one of those days where I’m teetering between punching everyone I see in the throat and just crying my eyes out for no good reason. (I have not yet tried the aforementioned throat punching, but I have tried the latter and it’s scaring my children). I guess there’s a good reason for it. I’m 37. I have 2 children. It’s almost Christmas. And I’m a widow.

I took my children to a Christmas parade this morning. It was freezing. It was windy. I didn’t want to be there but the boys did, so I made it happen. 2 of their friends met them there. They are 4 boys 10 and under. To say they have a lot of energy is the understatement of a lifetime. Candy is being thrown at them. They are of course aggressively attacking like Darth Maul with his double light saber at every Dum Dum and Tootsie Roll being tossed their way. Have I mentioned it’s a parade? And parades are crowded if you didn’t know. In my mind, parades are for children. I mean, they’re throwing candy. If I want candy 1. It sure as hell ain’t Dum Dum’s and peppermints and b. I can damn well buy my own candy whenever I want. It’s one of the perks of being an adult.

Well, I’m standing back behind the boys out of the line of fire, and a family comes and stands directly in front of me with very young children. They squeeze in right by the line of boys with their metaphorical double light sabers and one of my boys accidentally bumps into this new family’s little girl. Mama Bear said words to my son. Then my other boy stepped on the precious little girl’s foot. Mama Bear says words to my other son. And it is at this precise moment that I realize I am exactly where I don’t need to be. Anger was becoming my new best friend. We were ready to hold hands and skip our throat punch fists right into Mama Bear’s thick and pasty neck. Does she know what my boys are going through? Does she know that it’s Christmas and that those 2 rambunctious, candy chasing boys are actually showing some joy on their faces because of this cheap ass Dollar Tree candy? Does she know they lost their father less than a month ago? Does she know that her family cut right in on my boys’ space and then proceeded to get angry when my boys used said space?

No, she doesn’t know any of this, so me and my new best friend put our fist away.

Then we move on to Winter Wonderland at one of the local school’s. Santa is going to be there. Bounce houses. Food trucks. Crafts. All sorts of the shit that makes me drag my feet and prepare my fist. But again, my boys come first, and they wanted to go. So go we did. And I think they had fun. However, I only let their fun last for just the tiniest little bit. My poor 5 year old, passive, sweet, wonderfully weird boy that he is, got cut in front of, he got booted out of his games in the middle of them, he got pushed out the way, he got balls taken from him while it was still his turn. Again, not the place for me to be today. I can feel my best friend’s heat rising up my face to the tips of my ears. We left immediately. We didn’t see Santa. We didn’t eat lunch. We didn’t craft. We just got the hell out of there.

When we got home, I checked the mail, as one does when they get home for the day. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten a sympathy card in the mail. Today I got 3. One of them was from Ash’s oncology team at Duke. All the anger dissipated and it’s place came sadness, loneliness, pain, loss, grief. And I let myself feel it. And I let myself cry. And my children think I am crazy.

But now, I don’t feel so angry and I don’t feel so sad. I had my moment and now I can move on. And I think that’s exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

Next weekend is the Celebration of Life. Tomorrow I am supposed to go through all our pictures and decide what to use for a slide show. All of Ash’s life condensed to one slide show. I’m not sure there’s enough wine in the world. Wish me luck, friends. My fist and I are going to need it.

Insights From a Dead Man

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Today I was cleaning my office. There were piles and piles of paper on my desk. Old bills – that probably got paid, several children’s drawings that you know are shit but feel terrible about throwing away, so many sympathy cards that I both love and loathe, books, more insurance notices than I could ever possibly need (hello insurance company, I’m aware my husband died, I’m the one that informed you, could you please leave me alone now?), photo books that we made over the years. You get the picture, my office is a mess, still is, because underneath all the piles I was searching through, I found a notebook.

Ash was big on notebooks. He loved to write things down and then forget he wrote the things down, ask what he did with the notebook where he wrote the things down and get mad at everyone for misplacing the aforementioned notebook. It was a thing. It happened a lot. We got used to it. I’m not sure he did, though.

Anyway, at the bottom of one of the excessive piles on my desk I found one of Ash’s notebooks. In it, there was a letter that he wrote to me on my birthday this year. I won’t share that with you because that’s just for him and me. But I also found just some things he wrote down that I think can help us all and I’d like to share them with you.

His Advice to Jack, Colt and me (and everyone else too):

You can do anything you put your mind to. Seriously. Write down your goals.

Choose your friends carefully. Good friends care about you. They hold you accountable. They support you. They do not try to get you do do bad things. They have your back.

The most successful people are also the most focused and hardest workers.

Surround yourself with happy, positive people. Life is too hard to be negative. Life is too good to be negative. Life is too short to be negative.

See the good in life and in people.

Live by the golden rule. Know the difference between right and wrong, between good and bad.

Make the right choices.

Live with a clean conscience.

And lastly, Kellie, Colt and Jack go play golf! Top Golf counts, but not every time. You must play family golf at least once a year.

Ash lived in his 37 years. He lived more than most do in a whole lifetime. And he loved to give advice, solicited or not. I am extremely grateful to have found this today. I am extremely grateful that he chose me to spend his life with. I am extremely grateful.

I will heed his advice every day. I will also mess up every day, but that’s ok, too.

And I can’t wait to find more notebooks.59206749902__B8CA1DFA-1433-4BC0-A5BE-CC94501FA740

 

Take It On Back

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I met Mr. Wonderful (his name is Ash, and I feel like I may actually start using his name now – I don’t think he gives a shit about anonymity anymore) at a Relay for Life event. How’s that for ironic?! We were set up by mutual friends. He was from Texas. I was not. He had a niece and nephew with him. I did not. They were very young children and I did not know how to interact with young children, so our meeting didn’t last long, plus I was doing some very important sumo wrestling “Relay” job and it needed my full attention!!

Side note – I later found out that the only reason he agreed to meet me was because “my name sounded hot” so there’s that. Kudos mom and dad! I’m sure that’s what you were hoping for when you named me all those years ago!

Anyway, we met, he apparently thought I was “ok” and called me the next day at work to officially ask me out on a date. Me thinks he thought I was a little more than “ok” but even up until the very end, he never admitted it. Ass hole. That was kind of the nature of our relationship. He thought I was “ok.” I thought he was an ass hole. An ass hole that I loved, however. He probably loved me, too!

We went to a local restaurant on our first date. We met there in separate vehicles, because, what if we hated each other and needed to escape. We were young, we were attractive. I’m pretty sure I changed my outfit no less than 13 times trying to look classy, yet sexy. There’s a very fine line. I had liked what I had seen enough at Relay for Life to care how I presented. I wanted to make an impression!!

I had a great time on our first date. Now, I kept up with him IPA for IPA, and back then, I didn’t have 2 kids, a large SUV and 2 dogs. Tubby I was not! Competitive? For sure! So, again, kept up with him beer for beer. Got a little drunker than I should have, may have talked about my “perfect tits” (I’m not sure if they were perfect back then but I can assure you, after attempting to breast feed 2 children and living in terminal cancer land for the last 13 months, perfect is not the word that comes to mind) a little too much. Young and stupid brunette, booth in the back, here I am!!

The point is, I didn’t know that would be my last first date. I was actually seeing someone in a kinda sorta way when I met Ash (you can read between the lines – sorry mama!). I called that guy on my way home from my first date with Ash  and told him I couldn’t see him anymore, I had met someone, and I wanted to see where it would go. I knew this other thing was going nowhere but it was fun nonetheless. Ah, to be in your 20s again – again, sorry mama! But there was something about that first date, I knew it was special, and I didn’t think it had anything to do with the massive amount of beer (maybe it did a little 😉 but I felt SOMETHING and it was exciting.

I won’t mention that the next day I had to call in sick to work because of my massive hangover. Or maybe I will. Whatever. We’re all human here. I still like to drink beer. I’m still massively competitive.

Unfortunately, I didn’t hear from Ash again the next day or after the standard cool guy 3 day waiting period or even a week later. I assumed I was too much, too much loudness, to much tit talk, too much beer drinking, sailor-mouthed, unladylike kind of gal. And that was ok. I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I was sad, nobody likes rejection, and I thought we had a great time.

Low and behold, 2 weeks later he calls me. Wants my opinion on what color sheets he should purchase from the Ralph Lauren Outlet. I’m excited. I’m confused. Will he ask me out? Does he like me? Is he the weirdest man I’ve ever met?

All of the answers were YES!!! He did ask me out, eventually (although not the day of that phone call). He did like me. He is undoubtedly the weirdest man I have ever met. And today I miss him. As I will miss him always.

But today I had a good day. And I thought about how we met. And it didn’t make me cry. It made me smile.

 

 

Aluminum

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I just had a very hard time spelling aluminum. I’m still not sure it’s right?! I literally sounded it out in my head at least 7 times and went back and re-typed it 3. Someone’s a genius!!!

Aluminum you ask? Well, that’s the anniversary I just celebrated with Mr. Wonderful. Apparently 10 years is the year of aluminum. Reynold’s Wrap for the win!

Anywho, 10 years – I can honestly say I never thought we’d make it! We’ve had some trying times in our relationship (I mean, before the obvious terminal cancer bit). Several times we were both done with each other for one reason or another. Most of them really meaningless. Some of them not as meaningless, but we fought, we battled to Seattle if you will (more than once), we did couple’s therapy, we did online seminars, I did therapy on my own. We put the time in, and you know what, we learned, we grew, and we made it fucking work! And I couldn’t be prouder of that. So, again, 10 years means a lot to us.

Now, another reason I didn’t think we’d make it to 10 years is that obvious terminal cancer bit. The one we were hit with last September. The one I was going to blog about on here, about our journey, our feelings, every little detail you didn’t care to know! Surprise! I didn’t do it, couldn’t find the time, couldn’t find the motivation, couldn’t find the want to! (I know that no one is really shocked by this!) But, when we were told 8-12 months last September, I didn’t know if we would see the year of aluminum. That’s a hard thing to admit. But, we did make it, and we tried to make it extra special. Mr. Wonderful and I had an adventure in Durango, CO.

We used to live in Durango for a short time in our lives, before the dog, before the marriage, before the kids and houses and responsibilities and you get where I’m going. Back when we were young, dumb and in love. We spent about a year in Colorado and Mr. Wonderful has been itching to get back to Durango since we left. And it was even more gorgeous than I remember it, but I tell ya, it made me realize how lucky I am to live where I live, surrounded by the people I love! Man, am I sappy today!

The adventure we had hoped to have wasn’t quite the way we thought it would go. Cancer will do that to you. Most of our every day lives we are surrounded by kids, family, friends, chores, beach time, pool time, so many things that keep us distracted. Mr. Wonderful and I don’t really think about the future, how uncertain it is, what it will look like, we stay busy, which makes it easy to forget that he has terminal cancer. I mean, we’re not daft, we know it’s there, we know what it means, I just mean that we don’t let it affect us every day because we don’t have time to think about it.

Well, go on vacation without the children was our brilliant plan! And it was brilliant. It was just also really, really sad and really, really quiet. Without all the distractions, we did have time to think, reflect, look back and look forward. I cried more last week than I probably have in the last 6 months. I could not get my shit together. And I think that’s probably ok. I hold it together pretty well generally. Just the quiet – Mr. Wonderful and I have lost our ability to carry on a conversation about nothing, we small talk no more. We can go and have a good time but there is constantly a black cloud hanging over our heads. I cried at most of our meals, making all the people around us feel super awkward. If one of us wasn’t crying, our eyes were just darting around the room, watching other people. Again – hello awkward couple – I thought we had at least 20 more years before that phase set it. The cancer, the treatment, both have really taken it out of Mr. Wonderful. Our hikes were short, our naps were long. And that is all wonderful, except for I know what it means, I know what’s coming. And I don’t know how to handle it.

V Day Blues!

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The funny thing about life changing news is that it changes everything and yet changes nothing at all. Take today for instance, the day of love, the day you’re supposed to surround your loved ones with all the good feelings you feel for them, especially when one of your loved ones is facing his mortality.

I woke up feeling all those lovey feelings. I gave Mr. Wonderful his silly valentine – a Harry Potter puzzle because he’s been really into putting puzzles together lately. I accepted long ago that a romantic he is not and gifts he does not do! (Thank God for my mama showing my boys how to treat the special lady in your life!!) – (SIDE NOTE: I bought myself an Apple Watch for Valentine’s Day – Mr. Wonderful said he would never buy me one because “it’s like a shock collar” but said if I wanted to get if for myself, I could, which I did, so happy love day to me!)

Anywho, wake up, love everyone, give gifts and go about my day getting the boys ready for school, lunch packed, coffee made, everybody dressed, teeth brushed, you know, all those glamorous jobs we do as parents. Mr. Wonderful generally does not get up in the morning, but he had chemo yesterday, and they hop him up on mega doses of steroids for the next few days, so he’s feeling a little more rambunctious and gets out of bed before me this morning. Weird. Slightly irritating.

So, he turns on the TV – a cardinal sin in my house in the morning. My children cannot handle TV in the morning. They turn into brainwashed zombies that can only stare at the magic box of power. Could be a Cialis commercial, could be CSpan, doesn’t matter, it comes on, they are glued. Does not bode well for trying to get out the door on time, which we struggle with on our best days. So I plead, probably more like yell if I’m being honest “Noooooooo, turn that off, no TV in the morning before school!”. He doesn’t turn it off. I’m annoyed. Irritated. But I keep it to myself and go about my morning.

Coffee is made, children are eating, I have gotten dressed (well, threw on some yoga pants and a sweatshirt – that sort of counts as getting dressed because there’s a bra involved) and return to the kitchen to get my morning cup of Joe. To my surprise, the TV has been turned off and Mr. Wonderful is in the kitchen, unloading the dishwasher. Very nice. Now, a large kitchen, I do not have. There is not room for 2 people to really work in it together. So I dart in to get that very necessary cup of coffee, thinking I’ll be quick, he won’t even know I’m there. Well, I should have known better. He did know I was there and he was not happy that I was there. Snarky comments were made. I may have returned said snarky comments. Irritation abounds. Mr. Wonderful shouts he has now emptied the dishwasher “TWICE IN A ROW”. Well hold the fucking phone, honey. I didn’t realize you had done it TWICE IN A ROW. Where is your medal? Where is your ceremony honoring your persistence, your helpfulness, your tenacity? My goodness, twice in a row. Let me roll out the red carpet!!!!!!!! I may have applauded him, slowly, he may have said I was acting like a bitch. It may have been a pretty shitty way to start the day of love.

So, now, here I am, writing this, feeling agitated all over again.

My whole point is, even when you’re hit with some pretty unfathomable, earth-shattering, life changing, kick me in the vagina news, not much really changes. We’re still married. He’s still a pain in the ass sometimes and I’m still a bitch sometimes. I guess we just have to get all of our annoying behaviors out a little faster just to make sure we have the time to get them all in. (That made sense in my head, not sure it does on paper!)

So, as you can see, this writing thing is going to jump around a lot. I will get back to the story of what’s happening, but I needed a little lightness in the dark. Like annoying the shit out of your valentine!

 

She bakes! She bakes!

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Seriously y’all! Just made some bomb a$$ cookies! I’d share the recipe but it’s complicated and intricate and just, really only those advanced bakers should try it. I mean the details alone kept me busy most of the day!

Although I won’t be sharing this top secret recipe, I will show you the final product! 


😂😂

Y’all don’t be jealous of Mama and her mad skills!! xoxo

Taquito Bandito

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Hello party people. It’s me again. I’m back like backstreet only they’re not back. I think we’ve gone over this before. When we left off, I promised you a bean and beef Taquito recipe. And I will give it to you. Promise. But first I have a couple things to say. Shocking, I know!

So, first things first, my six-year-old got student of the month the very first month of school. Now let me tell you this, he certainly is not student of the month at home but it does feel good to know that what we teach him at home is actually sinking in I would assume. I don’t mean to sound offensive about Jack. It’s just at home he’s going through a shall we say asshole phase (may as well call a spade a spade). To be fair though, his dad and I are probably going through an asshole phase as well. You know how your kid is doing something and you’re watching it and it’s driving you nuts and you’re about to yell at him and all of a sudden BOOM! It hits you that he’s acting exactly like you. Pretty freaking annoying, isn’t it? I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles so to speak. 

But anyway, back to student of the month, (not that I’m bragging or anything, (I totally am)) we are so proud of him and it is an amazing accomplishment. So we took him to his favorite restaurant to celebrate on Friday night. Restaurant meaning burger shack. They also serve custard. And I’d like to talk about custard for a minute. Holy slap your mama tasty. Custard is the shiznit! Now we were in line and I debated on whether or not I should go for the custard. I’m trying to lose weight. I’ve been doing the couch to 5K thing. I’m on week two I’m happy to report and I’ll get to more about that later. So I was trying to be good. However, they had pumpkin pie custard the night we went. And I try to tell Mr. wonderful that I wasn’t having any. As a matter fact we went through the line and I didn’t order any. Mr. wonderful got some kind of cookie sandwich hot fudge 5,000,000 calories in a bowl so I figured I would have a bite of his and that would satisfy my custard appetite. Well wouldn’t you know I failed again. Not only did my husband get up and get in line and order me some pumpkin pie custard, but he also added a scoop of vanilla to it and rainbow sprinkles. Yes I said rainbow sprinkles because I love rainbow sprinkles. I always have. I always will. And I am not ashamed. Holy moly double guacamole, was that shit good. It was worth every ridiculous calorie it had in it. Seriously. If you live in the area, it’s kill Devil custard and that pumpkin pie custard with vanilla custard was just really worth everything. It was so good I’m not even making sense right now. Heed my advice and go get some immediately before it runs out and before they shut down for the season. You’re welcome in advance.

Moving on to couch to 5K or whatever that nonsense is I’m trying to complete. Not that it’s nonsense. Actually I’m very much enjoying it. It goes by fast. So far the jogging isn’t too bad. And it makes my day just start way better than if I just slept in. I’m on week two. Just started it today. And I highly recommend it if you’re looking to get moving like my big fat booty needed to do. So since I’m doing all that jogging, you know like half a mile currently, it only makes sense that I carb load. I’ve already made dinner for tonight,  high-five me. It’s a baked macaroni and cheese with bacon so really how can you go wrong. I’ve not tried it before and I am kind of combining a couple of recipes to make it something that I want and that my boys will eat. So pretty much double the cheese you know triple the noodles whatever, I’m just kidding (sorta)! I’ll let you know how it turns out. And give you the recipe. Carboloading is fun. For us half mile runners. Not unlike half marathon runners. Nearly the same thing in my opinion!

So now that you’ve read (you did read it, right?!) through all this boring bullshit I’ve put in your path, here is the much anticipated (in my egomaniacal mind) beef and bean taquito recipe! 

Ingredients:

Vegetable oil 

1 pound lean ground beef

1 can pinto beans, rinsed

1 onion halved and sliced thin

2 jalapeños, stand, seeded, and minced

3 garlic cloves, minced, or you could be like this mama and just use minced garlic 

1 tsp ground cumin

1 tsp chili powder

1 8 oz can tomato sauce

1/2 cup water

3 tbsp minced fresh cilantro

Salt and pepper to taste

Corn tortillas

1 large egg, lightly beaten

Directions:

Brown hamburger, drain and set aside. In a separate bowl, mashed pinto beans with a masher. It really says with a masher. If you want to use a spoon, I won’t tell anybody.  You do you boo.

Heat 1 tablespoon of oil over medium heat. Add onion and cook until softened and lightly browned. Stir in jalapeños, garlic, cumin and chili powder and cook until fragrant. Stir in tomato sauce, water, cilantro, half a teaspoon of salt half a teaspoon of pepper, drained beef and mashed beans. Cook, stirring often, until mixture has thickened and begins to sizzle, about 10 minutes. Now, this recipe didn’t call for it, but I also added about a cup of shredded Colby Jack cheese because mama don’t cook if cheese ain’t involved. My arteries love me. So if you want to add cheese, mix it in and stir until fully melted. Then transfer meat mixture to a separate form. And let cool for 20 minutes. 

Wrap corn tortillas in a wet paper towel and microwave for approximately 1 to 2 minutes, depending on how many you use. 

Brush the top edges of the corn tortillas with egg wash. Place desired meet him out in corn tortilla and roll tight. 

Now, you could use a deep fryer if you have one, or just heat oil in a large skillet on the stove and fry them that way. I chose the skillet way because it seems less messy. So once you have your taquito all rolled, place them in hot oil and fry on each side for approximately five minutes. 

Voila, you have taquitos. The recipe made a shit ton so I ended up by freezing a good bunch of them after we finished eating. Works out well because then you can just pull them out, especially during football season, pop ’em in the oven, probably on 400 for 15-20 minutes (totally pulled that out of my ass, I really have no clue) until they’re heated through and bon appétit, you have a snack.

So that’s it for today y’all. I’ll check back in and let you know how the bacon mac & cheese is, but really how could it be bad?! Bacon. Cheese. Win. xoxo

Glamp it up up up!

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Raise your hand if you’ve missed me!! We’ve been busy. I’ve been cooking but I’m keeping it all to myself! Kidding. Kidding. I would never keep all this queen of the kitchen status I’ve got going on to myself. That would just be unfair. Ya heard?! (I don’t know why I do these things. Weird is as weird does I guess!!)

So. Glamping. Do you do it? Because you should. What’s that saying? Want to hate America, watch the news. Want to love America, go glamping. (Yes, I know it’s camping but Mama don’t sleep on the ground or without a fan!) We went glamping at an oceanfront KOA a couple weeks ago with a couple of other families (6 adults and 7 MALE children! Yikes!) and had an amazing time! There was the pool, the beach, the playground, the giant bouncy thingy (its official name obviously), the game room, the grilling, the fire, the smores, the laughter, the playing, the drinking, the eating and just generally the being merry. I’m telling y’all, it felt magical! We rented a “rustic” one room cabin (I like it when rustic means a/c AND a fan) that included a full size bed and bunk beds. Pretty durn perfect for a family of 4! Get out there and glamp y’all! Promise you won’t regret it. (I wonder if the KOA wants to pay me for all this awesome promoting and marketing I’m dishing out for them?!)

Anywho, cooking. I’ve tried 2 new recipes already this week and both were absolutely delicious! The first was a chicken and veggie teriyaki pasta and the other was beef and bean taquitos (which were a little more involved than mama likes but oh so yummy)!  

First up the One Pot Teriyaki Chicken and Noodles (don’t be fooled, there’s not one drop of teriyaki in this dish. Go figure)

Ingredients:

2 tbsp oil

2 chicken breasts cut into chunks (I seasoned ’em with salt n pepa…the spices. Just to clarify)

1 cup shredded carrots

1 cup snap peas

1 chopped bell pepper (I used yellow coz it’s the 6 year olds favorite color therefore he will eat it. Coz 6 year olds)

1/2 cup soy sauce (I used reduced sodium)

2.5 cups chicken broth

1 box pronto half cut spaghetti (or, ya know, just break that shit yourself if you’re not as lazy as me)

1/4 cup honey (this was very disturbing to the 6 yr old)

2 tsp garlic (I used minced since the recipe didn’t specify)

1 tsp fresh ginger

1 tbsp white vinegar 

2-3 sliced green onions (this is optional. We opted in and don’t regret it! 😜)

Directions:

1. Heat oil in large skillet (I used a large pot! Shhh! Don’t tell) over medium high heat. Add chicken, season with salt and pepper and cook, stirring occasionally, until browned. 

2. Add the carrots, peas and peppers and cook for 2 to 3 minutes until tender crisp (whatever that means)

3. Add the soy sauce, chicken broth, honey, garlic, ginger and vinegar and stir until combined. Stir in the noodles.

4. Bring back to a simmer over medium heat and cook, stirring occasionally, for about 10 minutes until Al dente (that’s fancy for not quite done, in mamas opinion anyway! Mama likes her noodles soft. Not in all things of course! Gross.)

In the future, I think I will add water chestnuts to this recipe. I missed the crunch that I like so much. Here’s what the finished product look like. Mama remembered to take a picture. Score!


As for the beef and bean taquitos, you’ll have to tune in tomorrow for that recipe. Or whenever I do it. Because we know mama aint so good at this.  For some reason my computer has malfunctioned and I’ve had to do all of this on my iPhone and I’m done now. I cannot type on this thing any longer! 😱 

So stay tuned friends. I’ll be back…xoxo