Full Disclosure: I’m full of complaints.

Did you know that when your spouse dies, you will get a notice in the mail asking for an “inventory” from your local clerk of court office? Of what you ask? Well, it doesn’t say. Just says turn it in by March 17, 2020 or else. Ok. Currently in my pantry there are approximately 11 opened packages of noodles with about 1/3 of the contents in each pack; 4 open (and stale) boxes of various cheez its, 1/2 a jar of expired peanut butter, Oreos (both vanilla and chocolate because Jack is vanilla and Colt is chocolate) and more canned soup than we can consume in a month.

Guess what? That’s not what they’re looking for. No, they’re thinking more large scale items, like your home, car, all items of personal property including but not limited to all your furnishings, jewelry, any boats or other motorized things you may own, bank accounts, really anything of any value (they do not care about the contents of your pantry). Do you know why they want this information? It’s so that they can charge you a fee. Because the death of your loved one wasn’t payment enough. Because even though you’ve already paid taxes on all this shit you own, they’re going to charge you one more time, just for good measure. I owe the Clerk of Court nearly $1,000 because my husband is dead. That seems fair. Who else can I bend over for?

In other news, the coronavirus is of course ruining everything. No Duke for my boy this weekend. Possibly no sports at all for anyone. But it’s cool. We can just hole up in our houses and wipe our asses with all our over excessive bought toilet paper. In my defense, I subscribe to my toilet paper and haven’t quite gotten the timing right, so I do have an over abundance of toilet paper. I was cool before cool got cool. So, if anyone is in need, I’ve got 12 Mega Rolls with your name on it. All you have to do is pay the clerk of court for me. (Side note – I’m taking this coronavirus seriously enough; however, I will not give in to panic and fear. Please save your lectures on safety and hand washing and whatever other soap boxes you may want to jump on.)

It’s not all doom and gloom though. I did get an email from my new BFF – Duke Head Baseball Coach Chris Pollard. Of course, it was just an email with disappointing news. But still. He was considerate enough to make sure I knew I was going to ruin Jack’s weekend. I did, Coach. But thanks for thinking of us! He did say he’d get Jack in there as soon as he could, so BFF status still in tact.

I am grumpy. My children are grumpy. Hell, the whole world is probably grumpy right now. But at least I have toilet paper.