Category: Adventure

Life is for the Living

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If you are wondering if I just quoted Harry Potter, you would be absolutely right! I’m a nerd that way! But, like, a cool nerd!

I got a little mopey the last few weeks. I’m not going to lie. It wasn’t my best couple of weeks for many reasons. I won’t go into all of those reasons, but I’ll just say it was raining, I felt alone, I was attempting to mend a broken heart, and I just didn’t feel like doing anything. I shut out the people I love. I shut out family. I shut out friends. I shut out the world.

But also, while drowning in my own self induced misery, some really fucking awesome things happened. Jack tried out for a travel baseball team out of state and was offered a position on the spot. Ash, if he had a grave, would be rolling in it, as we always said that Jack didn’t need to play travel sports until maybe his teenage years. That was, however, before the whole world shut down including all youth sports.

Now, I’m going to justify our reason for joining the travel team just a bit (especially so Ash can hear it and stop with all the dramatic theoretic grave rolling). Firstly, I did not realize how depressed my 10 year old son was until I saw him happy again. Read that again. I did not realize how DEPRESSED MY 10 YEAR OLD SON WAS until I saw him happy again. Call me daft, call me blind, call me selfish. I could be considered all of those things. But the boys and I have been trudging along, thinking we’re doing the best we can. I took Jack to one baseball practice and he turned into an entirely different child. A child that I had not seen in quite some time. He was laughing, he was telling hilarious jokes, he was engaging in conversation with me. All things that I didn’t realize were missing until they returned. My sweet, happy child had come back. With one baseball practice that lasted no longer than 2 hours. 

Secondly, so far in his short 10 years, Jack has an aptitude, enthusiasm, love and talent for sports, especially baseball. And he has gotten to the age where we (we as in his family – me, PawPaw and Uncle G) cannot teach him anymore. He’s at the age where there’s nothing he doesn’t know, nothing he can’t do and absolutely nothing we can teach him, We’ve reached the preteen, prepubescent, pre “holy shit will mama survive this” stage of life. We can no longer help him due to excessive attitude, eye rolling and heavy sighing (lest we backhand him multiple times a day, which, I’m told, is frowned upon). So in the interest of saving all of our relationships (and potentially our lives), it’s best that he seek his baseball counsel elsewhere.

And lastly, (and I’m sorry, but this is going to sound a little braggy here, but if you can’t brag about your kids’ successes and whatnot, what can you brag about?) he deserves it. He deserves to learn from the best. He deserves to play with the best. He also deserves to work hard and earn his spot, earn his position, earn his right to be with that team, especially given that the current dream is to play Duke Baseball in 8 years. 

We didn’t say yes right away, though. I left it 100% up to him (which is very unlike me, I tend to lean a little more towards the Tiger Mom side of momming so kudos to me!!). Jack has a lazy side, and with everything we’ve been through, it would not have surprised me at all if he had chosen no. Instead, he made a list (very Ash like in nature). He made a list of the pros. He had a list of the cons. He weighed them heavily. And he said yes. So our lives are about to get a little crazier, but in the best possible way. Because we’ll be living.

I finally re-emerged with family and friends. We’ve gone to the beach, we’ve had cocktails, the boys have played (outside of course) with friends. We’ve conquered the biggest slip and slide I’ve ever seen. We’ve played our own games of baseball. Jack and I have started jogging together (much to his dismay) and doing all sorts of other training tools that are necessary for him to play on his new team. And I do every one of them with him. Because it keeps him motivated. Because he likes having a partner. Because we are living.

Colt graduated from preschool. Certainly it looked much different than years past. But it was beautiful. We were surrounded by people that absolutely adore my Mr. Tolt. He received his “degree”, he felt special, he rode around the parking lot with his head sticking out of my sunroof. And we were living.

This next part is not easy to write about but I’m going to write it anyway in the spirit of living. I think I am being flirted with by a hilarious, handsome, tall, perhaps a touch younger than me man. It’s been a long time since I’ve been flirted with so I could be getting it wrong. But, in all honesty, I do hope that I am not wrong. Because I feel like a woman again. I feel desired. I feel beautiful. I feel feminine. And these are things I have not felt in quite some time. And I like it. Because it feels like I’m living again. And life is for the living. And if nothing else, we deserve to live the shit out of whatever life we have left in us. 

 

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I have never been good at making decisions. I probably never will be. It’s not that I am indecisive, when it’s important, I know what I want, but in the words of Monica Gellar, I have an uncontrollable need to please people. And that’s not the best feeling in the world because you can never, ever please everybody all at once, which then leaves you feeling jittery, anxious and actually quite down on yourself. I loathe confrontation, until it’s absolutely necessary, and then I kind of let anger take over and go too far in the other direction. I want everyone around me to be happy to the detriment of my own happiness at times. Ash was very good about helping me jump through these hurdles. He was the exact opposite of me in this regard. The only person he cared about pleasing was himself (I don’t mean that to sound as negative as it does, it’s just the truth), he did not bend to make others happy and while it may have taken him slightly longer than an eternity to make a decision, he was rather decisive when it came right down to it.

Recently, I made a huge decision that “they” (fucking them) say you’re not supposed to make within the first year after a major loss. The funny thing about this decision, for me, it wasn’t difficult. Ash and I moved into our current house because it’s what he wanted. Our prior home had 3 levels, many stairs, bedrooms on the top floor, laundry on the bottom and with his health (even before the cancer), it was too much for him. Too many stairs, too much yard, too much house, too much maintenance. Our current house is all one level and perfectly fine but has never felt like home. Add in the fact that Ash, husband, father, passed away in the living room, and I’d just assume burn it to the ground than live in it. (Don’t worry, I’m not planning to burn it down, just making sure you get the picture.) It’s never felt like “home”, we have no emotional attachment to it, the boys are so uncomfortable in it, they share a room even though they each have their own rooms, all our memories here are of our husband and father being sick and ultimately watching that sickness literally suck the life out of him. Which in a way sucked the life out of our “home”.

This past Friday, I officially purchased our new home site. It was a decision that I did not make lightly. As a hobby, I am a bit obsessed with real estate. I’m constantly watching the MLS, tracking homes, land, prices, etc. I get notices when things go under contract, when prices drop, when new listings are added. Seriously, it’s a bit of an addiction. You’d think I could make a career out of it, but then add in the part with all the people and negotiating and back and forth with all the people, and it all becomes just a little too, well, peopley for me. Anyway, I decided pretty immediately after Ash passed away that we needed to move. The boys agreed with me. I started scouring the MLS immediately. I looked at a few homes, seriously considered purchasing one but thought better of it because there were some issues that were absolutely unfixable. We live in a unique area where home prices don’t exactly match the caliber of the home. We’re in a small beach town and you pay the price for living in paradise.

Anywho, obviously, I decided building was the way to go. I found 2 lots that I loved. One of them was already cleared, already had the water line hooked up, backed up to marsh land and was really quite nice. The other is covered, and I do mean covered, in brush, trees, hills and valleys but was also beautiful and backs up to the sound. I asked for advice from what felt like thousands of people (that’s a very large exaggeration, I do not know (or like) thousands of people) but I asked many, because again, decisions and me don’t go hand and hand. I asked professionals, I asked family, I asked friends, I asked acquaintances. They all had their opinions and most of them, including the professionals,  chose the lot where the work was already done. And while I valued those opinions, my heart told me otherwise. I tend to lead with my heart. A lot. Which can be problematic, hence why all the asking opinions from other people. And it was really hard not to have my husband to talk it through with me. Although, if he were here, none of it would be happening, so there is that. Your fault, babe, as usual.

Anyway, two of our closest (and wisest) friends went with me one evening to look at both lots. They fell in love with the first one, the one that was cleared and “easy”. Then we went to the other one. They saw what I saw, they fell even harder as I had fallen even harder. We stood there, we took in the views, the serenity and the peace and I knew I had my answer. They posed the question “what would Ash do?”. And I knew right then. Ash would choose beauty, serenity, peace. He would choose the place that reminds us why we live on this tiny little beach. And then it was easy. The decision came natural. And the thing is, I always knew in my heart which one I wanted, where the boys and I should make our new home, our new life, our fresh start. But second-guessing myself, and my heart, is something I excel at.

Same thing happened with house plans. I asked all those people again. I had narrowed my search down to 2, again, knowing in my heart what I wanted, but seeking out other opinions. Which is not a bad thing. And again, the majority chose the one that I did not. The easier build, the cheaper build. But, again, I went with my heart, chose the more difficult road and can’t wait to see our dreams come to fruition.

I have a hard time trusting myself. I struggle with making decisions. I seek approval from others far too often. But what I continue to learn is that I am capable of making tough decisions, I know my own heart and my own mind, I am strong, I am smart and while I will continue to ask for guidance all the time, deep down, I know that I will make the right decision because it is my decision.