Dear Jonesie:

I know I’m not supposed to be writing to you anymore what with you not actually being here (because you’re dead and stuff) and I said that I was going to quit because I look like a crazy person but a. I am a crazy person and 2. I don’t give a shit that I’m a crazy person and c. I have things to say. And last but not least, and the main reason I am here in fact writing this, I looked down at my watch and noticed that today was the 12th of the month. And if that wasn’t a sign from you or the Good Lord above, I don’t know what is.

Hope things are well in heaven. You’ve been hanging there for exactly 17 months today. I hope you enjoyed The Masters this weekend. I’m sure you were rooting for everyone, as usual. (insert eye roll here – pick a favorite for crying out loud.)

We just wrapped up spring break here on Earth/America/North Carolina. And I have to say, it was one for the books. Our plans changed a few times based on a few different things. We considered Busch Gardens but the boys adamantly did not want to go. So go we did not. There were reasons, some of them good, some of them not good, but I am ultimately here to obviously parent and guide them, but also to listen to them and do my best to make them happy because life is far too short to do recreational things that do not, in fact, make you happy. Good thing I bought those Busch Garden annual passes, though (this is where you would be inserting your eye roll). We considered staying home (very briefly, I don’t do staying home well, I must have learned that from you). And we ultimately landed in Ocracoke (with almost everyone else from the Outer Banks).

We have not been back to Ocracoke since the last time we went as a family (like, you were there, too – you remember – we stayed at that awful bug infested hotel, had some really spectacular times and some really, really devastating times – it’s when the cancer really started kicking your ass again). The boys were so excited to go back. We knew some people that were going to be there also. We stayed in the same place as a few friends. (Side note – it was the nicest place we’ve stayed in to date on Ocracoke. Like, I would totally go back. Hardly any bugs (indoors that is – plenty outside and we all have ALL THE BITES to prove it). Although, none of us were too pleased that they boasted about their open, heated pool the day before we arrived only to be told it was, in fact, closed upon arrival. Very disappointing indeed.) Side note – I’m apparently super into parentheses today.

Anyway, I would like to proudly boast that I drove on and off the ferry (there and back mind you) quite successfully. I mean, there was the time on the way back where I almost ran the ferry traffic guiding lady (official title, I’m sure) over because my car didn’t seem to want to move forward until I really hit the gas and we completely lurched at the ferry traffic guiding lady, almost hit her, but didn’t hit her, I got on the ferry and all was well with the ride. Well, not all, the boys got slightly berated for sitting on top of my car on the ferry ride. Apparently that is a no no. Makes sense.

Our time in Ocracoke was nothing short of spectacular. We rented a golf cart, something you would never have let us do, but I tell you, we were really missing out. First of all, it’s so much easier to get around in the golf cart. And honestly, it was just fun. The kids loved it. We drove out on the beach (by we I mean not me because 1. I’m not super confident in my beach driving capabilities and b. (and more importantly) the ole Tahoe doesn’t have 4 wheel drive so our very kind friends let us tag along with them), we grilled hot dogs on the beach, the kids swam and skimmed and body boarded their hearts out. Our boys, God bless them, wanted to do everything we’ve ever done in Ocracoke as a family. We had to go to the coffee shop (still crazy busy and crazy slow but always delicious), we had to eat at SmacNally’s (still super fun), we had to go to the ice cream shop in the white building across from the general store (which was no longer open but they tried to go in there, too) next to Kitty Hawk Kites, we had to go in Kitty Hawk Kites, we had to look at the ponies, we had to go by the lighthouse, we had to buy cheap souvenirs from The Pirate’s Chest that break within minutes of buying them, Jack insisted on going into Ride the Wind and buying a hat because you went into Ride the Wind and bought a hat. (Ummm, he also bought me a sticker that had a cooler on it full of beer because it made him think of me, so there’s that, too…).

They were beyond happy to be there. Their memories of you and our adventures on Ocracoke kept pouring out, which I think means they are healing and growing. It was bittersweet for me, I’m not going to lie. One morning Colt and I were rocking on the hammock on our screened in porch and he was wondering if you would have liked being there with us. I told him that of course you would, there is no where in the world that you would rather be than with us. He was satisfied with that and took off to do something more fun than swing with mama in the hammock, but I lost it. I had myself a good old fashioned sobbing cry, missing you so much, needing you so badly in that moment, but also feeling so proud of all we have done, how incredible we made these kids of ours and honestly, how strong I have become in your absence. It is not easy to do this alone. It is not easy to feel like the odd man out because you are no longer with us. But I do it. Every. Single. Day. And most days, I do it with a smile on my face and true happiness in my heart. (Whoa – getting a little sentimental there, making my face turn hot and red.) Colt also got me right in the feels when he whispered in my ear that he wanted to change his middle name to Ashley. I teared up, told him that Daddy wouldn’t want him to do that because Daddy helped pick his middle name. He walked off only to come back 30 seconds later and say his new middle name would be Nash Ashley. That boy, I swear. He tears me right down and builds me right back up again.

I just wanted you to know that we are still ok. 17 months without you – can you believe it? We are happy, healthy, loving, mostly kind and truly funny. All 3 of us. You are always with us, always in the forefront of our minds with everything we do. We are all still tending to lead with our hearts, especially me, which can cause more anxiety than I’d like (but let’s be real here, when am I not anxious?!). But, anxious or not, we are still ok.

Love you always,

Poopsie