According to the Mayo Clinic (which, let’s face it, the Mayo Clinic knows their shit), clinical depression is defined as “A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life. The persistent feeling of sadness or loss of interest that characterizes major depression can lead to a range of behavioral and physical symptoms. These may include changes in sleep, appetite, energy level, concentration, daily behavior, or self-esteem. Depression can also be associated with thoughts of suicide.”

I’ve, personally, been trying to figure out lately if I’m depressed or just really sad. I think both options would be acceptable, given the situation at hand but I don’t want to be depressed. On one hand, I can totally see that I am depressed. I’m tired all the time though I don’t sleep well. My energy level is pretty low though I push myself to keep going all the time. My concentration is out the fucking window, but since having children, was it ever really that good anyway? My daily behavior has changed dramatically as I no longer have a dying person to care for and can’t quite figure out what to do with my hands when nervous (Superstar! – that’s a joke, by the way, I totally know what to do with my hands)! My self-esteem has never been all that high. I absolutely have no thoughts of suicide. I do still hate walking into preschool with all the smiling and happy go lucky moms with their smiling and happy go lucky children. Which I understand is ass hole behavior, but it is what it is right now.

On the other hand, I smile and laugh, a lot, every day. I still enjoy my family and friends. I push myself to work out every single day. I make myself get out of bed every morning even though I wake up with dread and uneasiness weighing heavily on my chest. Food is still one of my favorite things. I still love all my people wholeheartedly. I go out, I make jokes, I live, laugh, love (insert vomit emoji here). You get the point, I’m still living. Sometimes it takes everything I have in me to put one foot in front of the other, especially in the morning, but I’m doing it and I’d argue that I’m almost doing it well.

Yesterday was baseball skills day for my 10 year old. Ash was alway heavily involved in baseball. I could have chosen to let the pain of being out there, and everything being the same, other than the fact that he wasn’t there, I could have chosen to let that pain overtake me. I could have let it ruin the day not only for me, but my friends surrounding me, and and I could have ruined it for Jack (although, I never would. It’s pretty spectacular the strength you find when it comes to loving and protecting your children). But I didn’t. I smiled. I laughed. And most importantly, Jack and I enjoyed it. It was like nothing had changed, other than everything. Jack participated in 2 different skills days, then went on to practice with a travel team that he’s not on and too old to play for. But he wanted it! And I wanted it for him. That is a big leap for my boy! So, when shit like that happens, and I feel so much pride and happiness for my baby, it’s hard to believe that I could possibly be depressed.

A year ago yesterday, we (Ash, Jack, Colt and me (also of note – Jack’s name is an acronym for all of us – Jack, Ash, Colt, Kellie – wasn’t planned but really quite fucking awesome)), anyway, a year ago yesterday, we were at Grandfather Mountain with some of our best friends. If I remember correctly, you pay at the bottom of the mountain and drive your way up, or for the really adventurous, hike your way up – we drove partially, hiked partially. Anyway, that’s totally besides the point. When my friend got in her car yesterday, after skills day, the receipt to our entrance to Grandfather Mountain exactly one year ago to the day was sitting in her front seat. Do you have goosebumps yet? I told you Ash was always involved in baseball and, to me, that proves that he was still there yesterday. There are signs everywhere, so thank you, Jonesie, for that one. Also of note, this morning, the boys and I are getting ready for school, nowhere near Jack’s bedroom, where his light saber (you know the one that cost me 1/2 my life savings) that was turned off, in it’s case suddenly lit up, made it’s awesome light saber noises for a couple of minutes and then turned itself off. Goosebumps, tears, love. Not depression.

I’m no professional, but I’m going to diagnose myself not depressed. Sad at times? For sure! Scared? Most of the time. Lonely? Definitely. But not depressed. My life is too good. While we’ve been dealt a shitty hand that can seem unplayable at times, we are pretty fucking lucky for who we were, who we are now and who we are becoming.