I woke up today feeling more tired than I have in a long time. My chest hurt and there was a knot in my stomach. I woke up sad. I sat up in bed and I cried. I looked at my husband’s side of the bed, so still, so untouched and it made me feel sick. The one thing I have learned thus far is you never know what any given day is going to make you feel, you never know what song will trigger your eyes welling up with tears (today it was the always classy Get Low by Lil Jon – not generally considered a tear jerker but Ash and I had so much fun with that song every time it came on – I was in the middle of my workout, the sweat dropped down my balls (not really, I don’t have balls) and the tears rolled out of my eyes.)

Christmas is 2 days away. I have never felt less Christmasy in my life. There are very few presents under my tree. There are no presents under my tree that were bought by me for anyone. Don’t worry, I am giving my children Christmas I just can’t bring myself to wrap anything or display anything. I’ve yet to watch one single Christmas movie, which is strange for me (that’s a lie, I watched Bad Moms Christmas but it’s more raunchy-gross-why did I just waste time watching this type movie). I didn’t decorate the outside of my house this year. Well, as you know, we have all those lights but I wasn’t sure where the hell I was supposed to hang them. I haven’t kept up with the countdown calendar, taken the boys to see Christmas lights, I’ve barely even mentioned Christmas, until now, where I’ve mentioned it every other word! I’m just not feeling it. I want to feel it, but I can’t get there. Especially today for whatever reason.

Next up, 3 days after Christmas is my oldest son’s 10th birthday. Historically, we’ve always taken Jack on an adventure rather than buying him more junk that he doesn’t need. And it was generally a trip that was just the 3 of us. We went to a Redskins game one year, last year we went to a Golden State Warriors game (in DC, we’re not that nice), we’ve done Disney trips and Universal trips (and that is what both boys are getting for Christmas, so still adventuring to be had) but I can’t think of anything that will compare to years past adventures with Dad. I can’t imagine how he must be feeling. He would never tell me. He’s a closed book, my boy Jack. He doesn’t express much other than anger and irritation but so do I, so he gets it honest.

But no adventuring trip for him this year. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So I went the complete opposite and am re-doing his bedroom and got him a TV for his room, which I know, he doesn’t need, but that’s what I did so kiss my ass. And maybe he does need it. Maybe he does need his own separate space where he can kick back and relax and watch what he likes without his brother or me complaining in his ear about watching Star Wars  Rebels for the 89754638th time.

Next up, New Years, which really isn’t a thing but feels like such a big thing this year. Ash and I always did something for New Years – went to friends, had friends over, nice dinner out, always something. Last year was the first time that we didn’t. He was asleep before 9:30. But he was here. He was with us. We could see him and touch him and squeeze his hand and kiss his forehead. This year we can’t. And we’re ending what was undoubtedly the worst year of our lives and starting another new chapter in another new year. It’s a little scary, a lot sad and somewhat overwhelming. How does time just keep marching on? How can it go so unbelievably fast? Why won’t the knot that’s in my stomach today loosen up? Or the tears dry up? And lastly, why the fuck won’t the house clean itself?