Life is nothing but an emotional roller coaster. My dad is in the ICU with acute kidney failure. Those are scary words. The scariest part is nobody has figured out why yet. They’re thinking some kind of infection in the body, but are still guessing and eliminating at this point. He will have an MRI with contrast today that will hopefully point someone in the right direction. 

My dad is a great man. He is the greatest grandfather my boys could ever possibly have. And they are both so attached to him that I can’t even think about how they would manage without him, let alone my mom, my brother and me. I have put up walls all around myself so that I can’t think about the worst case scenario. Because if I do, this mama/daughter/wife/sister/friend will turn into an emotional wreck and that’s not good for anybody. The few times I have let myself imagine life without him, I have truly lost my shit. 

I’m a lucky girl in that death hasn’t  touched me a whole lot in my 33 years. I lost my grandmother a few years ago to cancer and the pain was almost unmanageable at times and that time my children weren’t affected. Jack was less than 2 and had only met her a handful of times. For my boys, I am staying positive, I am keeping my shit together, I am smiling and laughing and cracking jokes and playing trucks and whistling the Star Wars theme music. But inside of me there is a deep fear that I’m trying like hell to avoid because if I don’t, I fear the pain will be more than I can handle. 

So, I’m sorry friends. No recipes today. No quirky jokes or dirty innuendo. Just a scared girl trying to get by. Hug your loved ones tight and never let them forget how much they mean to you. xoxo